lifeaccordingtomin

My personality

2006-10-06T15:30:00.000+09:30

To understand this graph better it'd be worth visiting the full report!

I don't believe the agreeableness rating quite reflects me but hey....it's an online test! Sadly, however, the neuroticism rating probably does...

My Personality


Neuroticism	78
Extraversion	33
Openness To Experience	66
Agreeableness	7
Conscientiousness	66

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Change don't come easy

2006-08-20T11:00:00.000+09:30

It's a couple of weeks after my birthday and I'm in a reflective mood as I sit listening to the soulful voice of John Legend. I realise how life has just kinda crept up on me with its changes over the last couple of years. I'm in a loving relationship. I have finished a Masters. I've lost a few kilos. I have a new job which requires me to address a bunch of well-known people .

Some of the changes, however, are tinged with sadness. My family is aging: my parents are slowing down and my brother leaves for the sunny north of our fair country to live with his girlfriend and make a life there. That means no more silly jokes, big bear hugs, no more joint rolling of eyes over our parent's reactions. Generally, no little brother around who is generous and caring who looks up to me (figuratively, of course - he's a good 9 inches taller than me!). During this week my family will have its final night together as just the four of us before he disappears northwards.

At 27 that should be no surprise but it doesn't mean it doesn't feel strange. Change don't come easy (thanks Mr Legend – those lyrics kicked in at the right time).

A couple of years ago I couldn't have foreseen any of the changes I've mentioned. More changes are on their way, just around the corner...moving out and braces off, at the very least. Ooo surprises ahead...don't you just love that?

Always changing

2006-07-13T20:34:00.000+09:30

The ups and downs of life are what makes living interesting. As my coworker would say "we live in interesting times".

I've had my recent health issues, which - touch wood - seem to be settling down. Now my naturopath is aiming to build me up a bit which can't hurt. A bit of effort will be involved here for this chocolate and cheese loving gal, but I'll keep at it. It would be a shame to see all those kilos lost creep their way back on to that already generous bottom of mine.

Work, well, it's not a dream by any stretch of the imagination with the people hard to take in some regards and the organisation a little slow-moving in others. The politics isn't my cup of tea either. Nevertheless, throughout the course of the day I realised I need to be a little more patient. Sometimes I expect everything just to fall into place like it did in my last job. It's the same with relationships. Sometimes it takes time and a little adjustment before they work well. So, I'll give it some time and see if I can make something of this crazy little job of mine and also whether I can get something out of the organisation so far as experience is concerned. That's not to say I'm not open to other opportunities but I'm not dismissing the one I'm having now as unproductive. I mean I've spoken to a famous sportsman, gained products for an event, liased with venues etc. within the last week among other things. It's got its value in the bigger picture.

Next in line for a revamp will be my personal life, which is a bit of a shambles at the moment for various reasons. I don't really have a home because I live between two places and work. Haven't really spent much time with family or friends recently. Some stability and regularity to be able to do some things by/for myself would be great. But plans are in the offing for that and once things settle a bit at work (*laughs*) I should be ok.

Speaking of time to myself - I feel a long hot shower coming on followed by some mindless Footy Show.

Catch you on the flip side.

Crisis of Confidence

2006-07-04T18:45:00.000+09:30

At the moment I'm filled with so much self doubt that I don't know how I manage to make the decision to get out of bed in the mornings. I am questioning so much of where I am in my life right now. 10 years ago, I hoped and dreamed much more for myself. Disillusioned and paralysed is a lot of what I'm feeling now. It's almost like I've forgotten those dreams and am trapped in a whole other place.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be possible for someone like me to just let go and have things happen or become so full of bravado that nothing scares me or puts me off. What does it take to become that person? Despite my apparent pessimism, I'd like to think that anything's possible with a little hard work.

I keep going over and over the things that are enforcing the crisis of confidence. Am I in the right organisation? Are my skills being used to full effect? Am I trying to be something I'm not designed to be? Am I handling my family/friends/partner in a manner which will serve us all well? Am I eating properly? Do I do enough at home/work? Am I ever going to feel free and happy?

I'm sitting here wondering if this is the life I want and how do I go about changing it for the better?

Anyone done anything life changing recently which might inspire me to get the ball rolling?

Finding happiness

2006-06-06T14:48:00.000+09:30

The last 6 months or so I've tripped from one medical condition to another. Varying forms of infections, the recent diagnosis of tiny kidney stone, a very bad cold that came with a nasty cough which has lingered for too long. Then today I woke up with a serious stomach upset of some sort which has meant I've become all too familiar with a string of close-to-hand (close-to-bottom?) toilets. It's also a sad day because I ended my five year record of not vomiting (which, mind you, is a personal best).

On top of this, the other day I also made the difficult decision to come off a tablet that was fixing symptoms of one thing but causing a series of other undesirable side effects. It's only a matter of time before I am reminded whether the side effect or the condition is worse.

All in all, this time of my life has been physically quite miserable. In turn, I have not been having a great deal of fun, instead, spending more time in bed resting than I would ever normally want or need.

Through all this, I can be grateful for one thing, and that's my beloved Leif. The Min he met with a spring in her step has slowed down quite a bit over recent months, and he has held my hand through a number of sick Min experiences. All the while, he has been an absolute gem in showing his love and support. This is despite episodes of me turning purple from coughing, or wearing those unflattering hospital gowns under fluorescent lighting or as I grip his thigh as the pain in my stomach becomes overwhelming. While it hasn't been a wonderful time for me by any stretch of the imagination, I fully acknowledge this hasn't been much fun for him either. So, I wanted to say a public thank you to my Leif because without him this might be one of the most isolating experiences of my life and even more depressing without his love.

It may be said, however, that once I come out of this sick period of my life (and I remain positive that I will) that I am on the journey towards happiness. I believe the cliche may well be true - that without some rain in our lives it's hard to enjoy the sunshine. I expect to positively revel in that sunshine when it comes, and it will.

Thanks again to my beloved (you know I want to get better for the both of us) and I hope to come back to my blog healthier and with renewed strength.

News on the job front

2006-04-19T16:30:00.000+09:30

Well...I've been waiting until I received the official word, and yesterday the contracts for my new job arrived. After about a month of serious looking, applying, interviews and rejections, I have a job!!

I will be starting in a couple of weeks with the MS Society working in their events area. The less fantastic aspects are: they are based out in Blackburn and the pay is by no means great. Nevertheless, I am very pleased to have found a job in the event industry (although - as usual - during the interview they asked why I hadn't pursued the more lucrative kinds of jobs I could have gone into with my undergrad degree).

It sounds like there will be room for progression but I am happy to start at the bottom and get a bit of experience under my belt. Also, from what I can tell, the lady I will be working with seems very friendly and sensible. Fingers crossed this will be a good start to my event management career.

If it's good enough for them...

2006-04-19T16:20:00.000+09:30

Another visit to the doctor. As I was in the waiting room, who should I see come out of another doctor's room? Mr Geoffrey Rush. Well, at least it looked like him - and I'm very good with faces. Anyway, he looked at me and, taken aback by surprise, I turned away quickly.

He milled about a bit waiting to pay, then left and I went in to see my doctor. The usual business there. Talking over my symptoms followed by internal exam (yawn...) As I was lying on the examination table I asked the doctor if I had been mistaken in thinking it were Mr Rush in the surgery. As it turns out, I was not mistaken. The doctor told me they get a number of (TV) stars through their surgery.

So, if the level of care at this surgery is good enough for the stars, I guess it'll have to be good enough for me.

Meanwhile, I wonder if I got the particularly grumpy pathology nurse today? She started by complaining about her 9 year old son, then (perhaps still destracted by what she'd like to do with her troublesome son) she virtually stabbed the needle into my arm to collect that precious life force aka blood. She also didn't do the usual reminder not to lift anything heavy etc afterwards. Luckily, this being my 3rd blood test in as many weeks I know the drill!

Spoiled?

2006-04-17T17:22:00.000+09:30

19 out of 90 - so I definitely don't think so.

More than 40 and you're spoiled. Things-wise I'm fairly low maintenance. Mind you, it might be nice to be a little more spoiled. That said, I'd prefer great health to anything in that list.

(x) your own cell phone
( ) a tv in your bedroom
( ) an ipod
( ) a photo printer
( ) your own phone line
( ) TiVo or a generic digital video recorder
( ) high-speed internet access
( ) a surround sound system in bedroom
( ) dvd player in bedroom
( ) at least a hundred DVDs
(x) a childfree bathroom
( ) your own in-house office
( ) a pool (spa)
( ) a guest house
( ) a game room
(x) a queen-size bed or larger
( ) a stocked bar
(x) a working dishwasher
( ) an icemaker
( ) a working washing machine and dryer
( ) more than 20 pairs of shoes
( ) at least ten things from a designer store
( ) expensive sunglasses
( ) framed authentic art - I painted it...
( ) Egyptian cotton sheets or towels
(x) a multi-speed bike
( ) a gym membership
( ) large exercise equipment at home
( ) your own set of golf clubs
( ) a pool table
( ) a tennis court
( ) local access to a lake, large pond, or the sea
( ) your own pair of skis
( ) enough camping gear for a weekend trip in an isolated area
( ) a boat
( ) a jet ski
( ) a neighborhood committee membership
( ) a beach house or a vacation house/cabin
( ) wealthy family members
( ) two or more family cars
(x) a walk-in closet or pantry
(x) a yard
( ) a hammock
( ) a personal trainer
(x) good credit
( ) expensive jewelry
( ) a designer bag that required being on a waiting list to get
( ) at least $100 cash in your possession right now
(x) more than two credit cards bearing your name (not counting gas cards or debit cards)
( ) a stock portfolio
(x) a passport
( ) a horse
( ) a trust fund (either for you or created by you)
(x) private medical insurance
(x) a college degree, but no student loans
Do you:
( ) shop for non-needed items for yourself (like clothes, jewelry, electronics) at least once a week
( ) do your regular grocery shopping at high-end or specialty stores
( ) pay someone else to clean your house, do dishes, or launder your clothes (not counting dry-cleaning)
( ) go on weekend mini-vacations
( ) send dinners back with every flaw
(x) wear perfume or cologne (not body spray)
( ) regularly get your hair styled or nails done in a salon
( ) have a job but don't need the money OR
( ) stay at home with little financial sacrifice
( ) pay someone else to cook your meals -- not counting McDonalds?
( ) pay someone else to watch your children or walk your dogs
( ) regularly pay someone else to drive you
( ) expect a gift after you fight with your partner

Are you:
( ) an only child
( ) married/partnered to a weathly person
( ) baffled/surprised when you don't get your way

Have you:
( ) been on a cruise
(x) traveled out of the country
( ) met a celebrity
( ) been to the carribean
(x) been to europe
( ) been to hawaii
(x) been to new york
( ) eaten at the space needle in seattle
( ) been to mall of america
( ) been on the eiffel tower in paris
( ) been on the statue of liberty in new york
( ) moved more than three times because you wanted to
( ) dined with local political figures
(x) been to both the Atlantic coast and the Pacific coast (in any country)

Did you:
( ) go to another country for your honeymoon
( ) hire a professional photographer for your wedding or party
(x) take riding or swimming lessons as a child
(x) attend private school
( ) have a Sweet 16 birthday party thrown for you

Inspired?

2006-04-12T09:06:00.000+09:30

I think there's more that inspires me than that...but it's not a bad place to start.

You're inspired by Helping People

What Inspires You?

Brought to you by Tickle

I know a few people who wouldn't agree!

2006-04-09T11:15:00.000+09:30

You Are 17 Years Old

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

What Age Do You Act?

Curious

2006-04-09T10:38:00.000+09:30

Given my recent changes....

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back"

Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos.
But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's Your Theme Song?

I love storms!

2006-04-09T10:20:00.000+09:30

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous
People will stop and watch you when you appear
Even though you're capable of random violence

You are best known for: your power

Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

I so wouldn't

2006-04-09T10:11:00.000+09:30

I thought I'd barely sell out for any of the options presented to me. Only a mil? Nah...never!

On Average, You Would Sell Out For

$1,039,027

At What Price Would You Sell Out?

When I was about 6....

2006-04-09T10:10:00.000+09:30

I wanted to be a doctor greatly. Although I still read about health a lot I think I make a far better hyperchondriac. See where your childhood dreams can take you?

You Should Get a MD (Doctor of Medicine)

You're both compassionate and brilliant - a rare combination.
You were born to be a doctor.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

I always wanted to be a producer...

2006-04-09T09:40:00.000+09:30

but I actually always thought if I was a muppet I'd be Miss Piggy. Oh how I love that pig.

*remembers Piggy's diet tips - light as a feather cream puff vs hefty artichoke - of course the right diet choice is light as a feather cream puff!*

You Are Scooter

Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick.
You're always willing to lend a helping hand.
In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going.
"15 seconds to showtime!"

The Muppet Personality Test

Genius I tell you!

2006-04-09T09:35:00.001+09:30

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 7/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

Profound

2006-04-09T09:35:00.000+09:30

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"What we know is not much. What we don't know is enormous."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

Normal? Me

2006-04-05T11:11:00.000+09:30

You fit in with:
Normal

You don't really fit into any highschool stereotype: you're pretty much normal. Hovering somewhere in the middle between non-conformity and conformity, you're your own person ... within the group.

'What highschool stereotype do you fit in with?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Toot toot....

2006-03-31T14:30:00.000+10:30

I was dressed up for an appointment I went to earlier today. I thought I looked pretty good and was feeling pretty confident about myself. Generally, if I feel I look good, then I think that comes across.

Well, as I stood waiting at the lights to cross the road on the way to my appointment, a guy honked his horn. In that nano-second, I looked around thinking - who could he be honking at - there's nobody but me around? Then, straight after he'd done it, he looked right at me with intent. Excuse me for being confused, but it's been years since I've been honked at. The rest of the journey I realised I didn't go unnoticed either (mind you there were an unusually high number of blokes on the train off to the Grand Prix in their Mercedes/Jaguar/Holden etc. t-shirts).

Offended or pleased? On this occasion, I think I'll go with the latter!

Came home then put on the jeans I haven't been able to fit into since Leif came back six or so months ago. *smiles - pleased with effort*

Current mood: feeling hot!

The best medicine

2006-03-30T15:45:00.000+10:30

Sometimes friends are the best medicine. They know to ask you that one question that will set you thinking about the truth. Amen for good friends. (If you're reading this - thanks for the walk and talk TC and to Abi for the ever encouraging e-mails and chats).

I'm also trying to start afresh in all areas of my life. It's hard work at the moment - but removing things that are toxic to me can only help. I've already started with my health, finding new work, and now I'm thinking my personal life needs a bit of cleansing. I'll begin with all those people who are toxic to my self-esteem and hinder the dreams I have for myself.

Wish me luck!!

Genius in Simplicity

2006-03-30T13:39:00.000+10:30

Jaime Oliver shows such genius in the application of the KISS principle - simple combinations of quality ingredients put together superbly. It's always a pleasure to watch him cook. I caught a bit of his trip around Italy - cooking with various Italians (whose mamma's food is always better than anyone else's!). I could smell the food cooking and feel its texture. It was simply wonderful.

The program even gave me some hope about the existance of wise young people in the world. In one of the towns Jaime visited he was told that a McDonald's had opened up but then closed down within three months because the kids that lived there weren't interested in the food. Can you imagine !?! I wanted to go and embrace everyone in the town. How marvelous. People with taste buds and an appreciation for proper ingredients and home cooking. If only more of the world had such an attitude.

Doctor, Doctor give me the news....

2006-03-29T18:15:00.000+10:30

Ah yes, if there were frequent flier points for visits to various medical persons, I'd have earned enough to go first class round the world.

Today included one of a procession of trips to figure out what on earth's wrong with me (apart from the usual!!). Back to the GP for about the sixth time in as many months. Tests of all kinds (today - a blood test) have been carried out - none of yet have revealed any key information. I'm off to see the naturopath tomorrow for another 30 minute session. When I went to see her initially a few weeks ago, I spent over an hour with her.

I reckon I could keep a whole medical team occupied for months, years even. My body must be worth a fortune in research opportunities.

*heads to e-bay selling screen*

What's with people?

2006-03-17T14:30:00.000+10:30

Is nobody raised to be thoughtful any more? I mean, what gives people the right to just talk to you however they feel? Doesn't matter how well they know you or not, they still believe it's their right to talk down to you/ be unkind/ yell at you or be crude. I've had enough.

If you recognise you're one of those people then leave me alone and take your superiority/ meanness/ anger/ bad language with you.

Com Games Opening

2006-03-16T11:14:00.000+10:30

I haven't seen it all yet but a few comments on what I've seen so far. I....

- hated the commentary, full of the obvious and insipid (as usual).
- wondered is it compulsory to have a young boy/girl who does aerial stunts in any Australian opening ceremony?
- was very disappointed to have them cut to adverts as some of the smaller African nations entered (that's my favourite time to ~~check out the boys~~ look at the outfits/flags). More importantly, it seemed quite disrespectful.
- was very amused by Prince Phillip watching the computer screen next to the Queen as she read her opening speech (it was if he was checking the words on the screen while she was reading her own notes so he could laugh at her if she didn't read it perfectly!).
- loved Delta's dress and she looked very beautiful as usual...but everything she sings is so impossibly sappy.
- adored the magnificent fireworks around Melbourne. I wish I'd been there to see them live (could you hear them from your place Leif?)

Change

2006-03-14T19:19:00.000+10:30

If someone you know in your life says they can change for the better, do you believe them?
If they did change, do you think you'd notice?
Would you be too used to perceiving their actions a certain way and probably not notice positive changes?
How many instances of a repeated positive change behaviour does it take to be noticeable as a replacement for negative behaviour?

Anybody know about this area? Any personal experiences?

Big News

2006-03-14T19:09:00.000+10:30

...not for me. Nevertheless, seems it was the day for Big News at work. One of our girls (she's a couple of years younger than me) was proposed to while out with her beau down the Great Ocean Road at the weekend. Then, shortly after that announcement our sole male consultant revealed that he was late to work this morning because he was attending his wife's 12 week ultrasound appointment, and yes, they are expecting. He's less than a year older than me, and he's a director of our business, has been married and divorced, owned two houses (and horses), remarried last year and is now having a baby. Geez, talk about falling behind the game!! This guy's ambitious and knows what he wants.

I hope they are all very happy :-)

Weigh in with the Biggest Loser

2006-03-10T12:15:00.000+10:30

8am Goes to the bathroom to change batteries in scales.
8.02am Winces in anticipation of standing on scales.
8.03am Parts fingers to read weight on scales.
Removes hands from face and breathes out slowly in partial relief from having expected it to show more.

That means my total weight/cms lost since Jan 04 is -
13.6kgs
Neck - 4cm
Bust - 6cm
Waist - 11cm
Hips - 10.5cm

No, my value as a person is not measured by numbers. That said, my health and the way I feel about myself is affected by them. I am proud I have lost that weight and those centimetres. It's an achievement. It's about taking back control of my life and being responsible for my choices. It's quite a way from those months of my life, a few years ago, when I found myself in the obese category (which I believe is a Body Mass Index of 30 or more) and feeling totally out of control.

I have felt the squeeze of clothes which required me to restict my breathing and being puffed by small exertions like climbing a flight of stairs. What I also know about being overweight is that it's totally about not being happy with something, trying to hide yourself, being out of conrol of your life in some way. It may not be a current situation, it may be in the past and you find you've ended up with some lasting bad habits. For these reasons, I have been interested in seeing how people are going in "The Biggest Loser".

I watched one lady last night with such fiery determination during a task. She was becoming increasingly pissed off at her team for not pulling their weight (excuse pun). The team coach asked her what she was feeling beneath that. Her response "I feel out of control". The coach continued her line of questioning...and she finally got the lady to say what I knew was there. If people see you as out of control, they perceive you as weak. If you are weak, people will reject you.

Believe me. Fat people are hurt people - people who usually give a lot to other people and don't give themselves the same respect because they don't believe they are worth it. I know those feelings. I battle trying to be a perfectionist and expecting everyone else to be perfect. I'm not very good a letting go of control because being seen as weak means certain rejection. It's a stupid cycle - because when you are rejected you eat to distract your pain. Then, extra weight only contributes to your experience of rejection. Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel angry about the critics who say that The Biggest Loser preys on people with already low self esteem and beats them down further. Excuse me, but that's a load of crap. These people probably couldn't feel any lower than when they started out on the show. Now, they are coming to realise that they are worth it and that they deserve to treat themselves well. They are making decisions which are in their best interests healthwise. Is it really that big a deal that some competition and financial incentive is involved? I mean we're living in the real world people!

Sure, The Biggest Loser is a reality show about losing weight but also I'd say it's about people reclaiming their lives. I watched the outcomes on the American version. Those that moved from obese through to healthy sizes came to life, realised their potential and moved through their lives with more ease and confidence.

So, all I can think is that the show's detractors (of which there seem to be many) have never felt what it's like to be obese. I usually find the show inspiring (although I could live without the alliances which form) and it reminds me to treat myself with the respect I deserve.

Go the Red Team - your members show the most integrity!

Meanwhile, I face my challenges and various forms of rejection (e.g. the job hunt in my field was never going to be easy) safe in the knowledge that I am not perfect but that I am worth my own good decisions. It would be far too easy to fall back into bad habits...but I have learned my lesson the hard way.

Are you treating yourself with the respect you deserve?

Short Thoughts

2006-03-10T00:30:00.000+10:30

* If the Labour party members can't say anything nice to/about one another then they shouldn't say anything. What's more, if you don't like each other's politics then don't party together. Simple.

* What on earth is going on in South Dakota? Such strict laws on abortion are nothing short of insane. Even Bush's policy on abortion would allow for terminations in extreme circumstances such as rape, incest or the heath of the mother. How anyone can think that such a strict policy may be in the best interests of an unwanted child or a desperate mother-to-be (who may now try another horribly unsafe means of performing an abortion) is beyond me.

*If obesity is such a big issue the powers that be need to do a better job of educating people (not just children - since they are also fed by their parents) about food and exercise and also the underlying psychological issues which cause excess eating.

Lasting Side Effects - RIP Min

2006-03-08T17:09:00.000+10:30

I went to the doctor today for a rather annoying condition that has refused to clear in full after some initial treatment. The doctor did some tests. I won't know the results for a few days yet. However, she suggested I might like to take a tablet which may fix the problem in the meantime (before the results come back). Perhaps I would have done so if a) the symptoms were more problematic b) she had not told me that said tablet can have some serious side effects.

In my research I have found the side effects to include a sick bag full of possibilities, including:

Headache
Blood disorders
Indigestion (dyspepsia)
Severe swelling of lips, face or tongue (angioedema)
Dizziness
Alteration in taste
Seizures
Hair loss (alopecia)
A severe allergic rash of the mouth, throat, anus, genital region, and eyes (Steven-Johnson syndrome)
Liver disorders
Abdominal pain
Diarrhoea
Excess gas in the stomach and intestines (flatulence)
Nausea and vomiting
Rash
Alteration in results of liver function tests
An extreme allergic reaction (anaphylaxis)
Consult your doctor if you develop a rash, blistering or peeling of the skin while taking this medicine.
There have been a handful of reports of pregnancies in women taking this drug together with the oral contraceptive pill. It is not known if these pregnancies were due to the drug making the pill less effective, but because of this very small risk it may be advisable to use an additional barrier method of contraception.
There have been links to rare cases of serious liver damage, including deaths, mostly in patients with serious medical problems. Call your doctor if your skin or eyes become yellow, your urine turns a darker color, your stools (bowel movements) are light-colored, or if you vomit or feel like vomiting or if you have severe skin itching.

Even before I knew what the full side effects were I looked at the doctor and said - "You know what? I think I'll wait until you're certain this tablet will help".

Me fears, however, I will have to take said tablet once the results come back.

If I die, let it be known that I want to be buried under a tree somewhere peaceful.

Oh, and thanks for visiting my blog.

Can freedom exist when you're dying?

2006-03-02T16:14:00.000+10:30

Ah, a little too profound for the real situation me thinks.

Yep, that pesky thesis is submitted, so I am free. But am I really free when this virus has a hold of me? Me feels not.

Stuff

2006-03-01T18:00:00.000+10:30

I can't believe it's March already. Wasn't I just at NYE celebrations? Soon you'll be hearing "in my day..." and "Christmas comes around quicker and quicker each year, doesn't it?"

Anyway, here's the UPDATE:

1) Brokeback Mountain is definitely worth seeing. Challenge yourself. Think about love in all it's forms. If you've got a problem with men loving men - deal with it! Failing that - go to watch the scenery, it's breathtaking (filmed in Alberta, Canada, I believe). *****

2) I am becoming the queen of recycling job rejection letters. That, and fielding calls after interviews from people who all say how wonderful, intelligent, lovely, bright etc. I am, but that I don't have the experience of other candidates. I believe I feel a new business venture starting soon - I'd prefer to deal with this in a "don't get mad, get even", way. I know I'm a smart gal...I'll figure it out.

3) I have bound the final copies of my thesis for submission. I am looking forward to the handover, after which the offending documents are not my problem any more. It will also mean I've officially handed in my last piece of uni work for my Masters!!!!

4) Waiting for ebay purchases to arrive in the mail is nothing short of curious. You buy one thing and it arrives well before something you bought weeks earlier from the same country. So my beautiful dress - where are you? Still in China? Lost in transit? In the hands of another?

5) Although fighting some kind of annoying illness at present, I'm off to the Adelaide Festival at the weekend with Leif. Hopefully, fun will be had by all.

Quote of the Day:
"Any man smart enough to understand women is also smart enough to keep quiet about it".

Heaven...here I come?

2006-02-15T08:37:00.000+10:30

After you die...
Heaven

After death, you will exist in heaven. Everything and everyone you love will constantly surround you for all of eternity. You lucky scoundrel.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

How to waste time 101

2006-01-25T10:47:00.000+10:30

I really am doing other things apart from online tests...but I couldn't resist this personality test. If you want to know what I'm like...this is a pretty good summary:

You are gentle, caring, quiet, dutiful, neat, dependable, modest, unassuming, and humble. You can be counted on to make sure everything is in its place, that people are doing what they’re supposed to be doing and all the supplies have been secured.

You prefer to work behind the scenes, driven by a sense of obligation, often overworked for the benefit of others. You prefer tasks that are highly outlined, organized and practical. You fill your life with meaningful activities and schedule any down time. You enjoy helping any friend in need. You have a strong work ethic and can be critical of sloth, laziness and people who have possessions only through extreme indebtedness. All you’d like in return for all of your hard work is recognition and gratitude, neither of which you receive nearly in proportion to the effort and time you exert.

One of your greatest strengths is supporting family or group activities. Your contribution of cooking, cleaning, fixing or constructing is an expression of your love and loyalty to everyone present, and such labor is truly a pleasure for you to fulfill.

You were a model child. Relatively neat, sweet and conscientious, you were the child that every parent thinks they’re going to have. You may have openly disagreed or rebelled but if so it was short-lived and harmless and you were quick to accept the judgment of your parents along with any punishment they deemed reasonable.

Parenting, for you, is a lifetime commitment. You are protective, supportive and patient, often putting your children’s needs before your own.

You prefer not to make waves or attract too much individual attention. You go by the book and are suspicious of anyone suggesting that tried and true established methods should be revised or ignored.

You have a strong appreciation for antiques, traditions and heirlooms. You have a natural appreciation for and connection with your past and the people in your family tree. You find special joy in guarding old family artifacts regardless of their monetary value.

You put a lot of energy into maintaining your home. You keep things tidy, visually appealing and in working condition. You make sure your home is always well stocked with food and supplies. You take better care of your possessions than most types, cleaning, oiling, maintaining things so that they will always be nice, maintain their value, and function when needed. You want things to be sturdy and may replace something which isn’t broken if, after acquiring it, you realize that it’s of the new, shabbier quality.

You may or may not be a pessimist, but your speech is laced with reminders to realistically expect problems to arise. You are aware of the general dangers of living and are conscious of the fact that other people don’t heed your warnings as often as they should. You are also the first to point out to someone who seems surprised that they should’ve known that setbacks would occur.

In a marriage you are helpful and supportive of your spouse. You enjoy working on tasks together, or working on your specialties at the same time (one cooks while the other fixes the plumbing). As a parent you do all you can to ensure that your children are well behaved and hard working.

Yes...and I'm also higher in fat!

2006-01-23T18:51:00.000+10:30

You are White Chocolate

You have a strong feminine side with a good bit of innocence thrown in.
Whether your girlish ways are an act or not, men like to take care of you.
You are an understated beauty, and your power is often underestimated!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

I try...

2006-01-23T18:30:00.000+10:30

I hope you're reading this Leif... (since I know how much you value internet quizzes!)

You are a Great Girlfriend

When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful
But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself
You're the perfect blend of independent and caring
You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

It's all true...

2006-01-23T18:27:00.000+10:30

well....I'm not gonna say I don't cry sometimes...

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way
You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to
Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets
No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

What Do Guys Like About You?

Totally!!!

2006-01-23T18:24:00.000+10:30

I used to love him in Charles in Charge. Ahhh....

Your 80s Heartthrob Is

Scott Baio

Who's Your 80's Heartthrob?

What's a "good amount"?

2006-01-23T18:18:00.000+10:30

I don't like to attract the wrong kind of attention...so, I guess my result makes sense.

You Attract A Good Amount of Guys

While you may not get the most offers in the room,
You've got a good thing going - dating wise
You could flirt more and dress up a bit to attract more guys
But in general, you are doing just fine!

Are You Attractive?

Me? Know something about men?

2006-01-23T18:15:00.000+10:30

Perhaps I should have chosen a different area of specialisation at uni? I think Leif'll laugh at this result!

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone.
You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well.
Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How Well Do You Understand Men?

Lol...

2006-01-23T18:13:00.000+10:30

hmm....ok...in awe of me? Ummm...yeah...that's been a real problem all my life!!

You Are Sophisticated Sexy

You're a classy woman, and you carry yourself with grace.
Most men are in awe of you, and even a bit intimidated by you.
You always make sure you're looking great, from head to toe.
And your charm and wit gets you on the good side of everyone you meet.

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

A rocker?

2006-01-23T18:09:00.000+10:30

Doubtful...although the music thing is right...

You are a Rocker Girl!

If you don't have musical talent, you've got a talent for picking out great CD's.
Music rules your life - and you've got the best MP3 collection of anyone you know.
Many guys find you intimidating, but a select few think you're the catch of a lifetime.
Start hanging out in more used record stores, and you'll find love with a fellow rocker!

What Kind of Girl Are You?

Wild huh?

2006-01-23T18:03:00.000+10:30

I wouldn't like to say *keeping fierce femme side in check*...

You Are a Fierce Femme

You have a wild side, and you aren't afraid to bring it out when the time is right.
But you also know when to hang back and keep your "crazy chick" persona in check.
In fact, some of your friends may be surprised to find out how far you can take it...
You may look mild mannered, but it's all an act!

How Daring Are You?

I wouldn't know, I've never been...

2006-01-23T18:01:00.000+10:30

but maybe it would be my kinda town...

You Belong in Paris

Stylish and a little sassy, you were meant for Paris.
The art, the fashion, the wine, the men!
Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park...
You'll love living in the most chic place on earth.

What City Do You Belong In?

Kiss me...

2006-01-23T17:47:00.000+10:30

Spot on...

You Are a Sensitive Kisser

For you, kissing is a way to connect

And you need lot of care, attention, and privacy

It may take you a while to kiss someone...

But when you do, it's total fireworks

What's Your Kissing Style?

Choosy huh?

2006-01-23T17:42:00.000+10:30

Apparently the following applies to me!

Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice them
You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky
You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter
It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait

How Do Men See You?

Interesting Concept

2006-01-19T16:43:00.000+10:30

At the time I read this post, I thought it was very brave and it would be too scary to try myself. Yet, I'm all for a challenge, so perhaps I'll just go all out there and try it. Admittedly, I'm scared but at the same time it may be cathartic.

The rules are that you must write down ten things you wish you could say to ten people in your life. You are also meant to disable comments and you never talk about it again. Like Ms Whitney, however, I think it's important to talk about things that bother you (this does not mean I'll be saying who each person is, of course). Anyway, here goes.

You've been good to me my whole life and sometimes I know I don't appear very grateful. I just assume you know how much you mean to me. I also understand that I've been very lucky to have you look after me. I find myself feeling terrible that I don't return the I love yous, when you say them to me. Please know that it's not because I don't love you. In fact, the thought of losing you from my life is almost paralysing sometimes.
The way you treated me and the way you ignored me made me feel so insignificant. Like I was not pretty or rich enough to get your attention. If only you could have felt my heart break when you screwed up those letters I wrote to you in which I poured out my feelings. I want you to know that for a long time after I felt like I'd never be good enough for anyone. With or without a partner, you were wrong.
I loved you so very much then, like nobody before. I would have given my life for yours. While I would have liked to remain closer, I know it was too hard for both of us at the time. I hope that sometime in the future I will have the opportunity to call you my friend again and know that you are happy. That's all I ever wanted for you.
I found you to be the most despicable creature. You took advantage of me, you used me, you were mean to me. Admittedly, I let you treat me like that - and I'll never stand for it from anybody again. I hated you pointing out all my flaws while refusing to see your own deep-seated and utterly scary issues. I'm sorry I gave up so much to you, things that meant a lot to me. While the vengeful part of me wishes you get everything you deserve, more so, I hope you get the help you so desperately need so that nobody else faces the darkness that is you.
Why did you have to lie to me? If you hadn't been so scared things could have been beautiful. Didn't you trust that I was strong enough to handle the truth? Or are you too afraid to own up to your truth? The reality is I could have handled who you were far easier than I could your lies. Also, stop putting work first and let love into your life. You could be a great partner to someone if you let yourself be. Don't look at how your past worked out and keep running, look at what you have to offer and feel assured by it.
You are so important to me and my love for you is great. That's why I find it so hard to watch you at the times when your troubles surface. I try and help you through them but you never seem to want to address them properly and that frustrates me. I encourage you to remember that the past is the past and look hard at what you have (which gets better all the time), rather than what you don't have. I also want you to know that at times being loved by you has felt like the most beautiful experience I could ever know.
You were there for me when I really needed you. You supported me and talked sense to me - not letting me take wrong paths in my mind. You always listen and try and make me feel better but not with lies or unfounded hope. Just knowing I can call on you is the greatest feeling.
Oh, I love you as much as I can but gee, sometimes I wish you wouldn't be so stubborn and actually go out there and show-off what you've got. You're a great person with a lot to offer but you believe in yourself so little. You're kind, thoughtful, musical and decent-looking. Stop making excuses for why things won't happen and do a little chasing. Eventually, you'll find what you have been looking for.
I'm sorry I don't live up to your standards. I hate going behind your back and not giving you the full story. I've never wanted to hurt or disappoint you so I can't ever bring myself to tell you the whole truth. It pains me and makes me feel so guilty to the point I don't know if I feel guilty about my actions because of my own standards or because of you. I hope that you can forgive me.
I want you to know that I wish I'd had the opportunity to meet you. I've always felt I carried some of your spirit when we crossed paths - you from living to dead and me from the womb into life. I've always believed you were the reason I found certain people interesting and felt so strongly about injustice. I have always had a soft spot for you and I always will.

Five Weird Habits About Myself

2006-01-19T15:39:00.000+10:30

Ms Whitney kindly (hmm) tagged me to write a blog listing five weird habits about myself. The rules are: The first player of the game starts with the topic, "5 weird habits about yourself". People who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged, and link to their web-journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog/journal that says "you have been tagged" and tell them to read yours.

Five weird habits....you want me to keep it to five?! Ah...here goes....

1) I have an alarm system on my car with a remote which automatically locks my door. It beeps once when I lock it and twice when I unlock it. Even though it has become an automatic reaction for me to press the button to lock the car nearly every time I step out of it, if I'm by myself I'll walk 10 metres then turn around to double check the car is locked. Either that, or I turn to my fellow passenger and say, "did the car beep?" as we are walking away from it. I'm not sure if I do this because I have a slight obsessive compulsive thing happening or purely because I have managed to tune out the sound of the beep over the years.

2) I'm a real list queen. I can't function without lists. In fact, I'm wholly unproductive without one. It's either a very detailed list or nothing much gets done. I have a folder on my computer dedicated to lists of things and action plans about how I will get things done.

3) I write down everything I spend and put the information into a multi-page spreadsheet. I also have a formula for working out how I split my income between categories of spending (eg. medical, luxury items, insurances). It's a pretty detailed process which I've been doing for about 3 years. It's definitely not for the lazy or forgetful but it's certainly helped me keep on top of my finances and helps me budget well. The reality is, I'm obsessed with order when it comes to money - that's why I always liked accounting. I enjoy balancing things to the cent.

4) I won't allow myself to use something I have just bought until I have finished the older product first. For instance, I can't stand when the same product is open in the fridge, like two of the same margarines or two jars of garlic. I'll only ever open one at a time or use the older one first (even if I know the newer one will taste better).

5) I hold on to ordinary items for strange sentimental reasons. You want an example? Well, it wasn't that long ago that I threw out a plastic juice bottle that I, and the boy I had a serious crush on in year 12, had shared once. Our lips had both sipped from the same bottle and back in the day that had meant a lot to me. Consequently, I couldn't throw out said bottle. Eventually, however, I ~~my good friends~~ came to the realisation that this was a little on the crazy side and so I threw out the offending item ~~as my friends said they'd call the loony bin if I didn't.~~

Well, that was perhaps a little too easy. I hope I haven't scared too many of my readers!

Hmm, who to nominate? You've already tagged Leif, so....umm... I'm only going to harrass Brett, Mr Lefty and TC (I'm proud to say I'm not that big an internet nerd that I know five people that blog!). I'm sure Leif'll nominate more, so I won't steal any of the ones he might choose.

Jealousy has a place in (romantic) love. Discuss

2006-01-10T16:05:00.000+10:30

If you've ever been in a relationship, I suspect that you've either been a jealous partner or you've had a jealous lover, at least at one point or another. Nevertheless, is jealousy in love necessarily a bad thing? This is perhaps the key question.

Let me first define the terms in the statement:

Jealousy: An emotion experienced by one who perceives that another person is giving something that s/he wants or feels is due to them (often attention, love, respect or affection) to an alternate. For example, an adult may become jealous if they observe that their lover is flirting with someone else, perceiving a threat to their relationship (Wikipedia).

Distinguishing between jealousy and envy (just for interest): Jealousy involves the wish to keep what one has, and envy the wish to get what one does not have. Envy is the carnal desire to possess something that is not yours, jealousy is the righteous feeling that one has towards that which is rightly his (such as a spouse's fidelity). For this type of reason, some have suggested that jealousy most centrally concerns one's perception of oneself. The perception that a person whose evaluation matters a great deal to us prefers someone else can make us doubt our own worth.

Love: a strong positive emotion of regard and affection; a great affection or liking for; a beloved person; a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction (various definitions supplied by Google). I'd probably say that, while (romantic) love is a slippery emotion to define, most of us would consider respect, regard and affection to be strong components of its characteristics.
*For the purpose of this discussion, the nature of the romantic relationship is a trusting one(where neither partner has cheated on the other, nor given cause for distrust before).

FOR: Jealousy has a place in (romantic) love.
A few quotes exist which support the notion that jealousy and love are inextricably linked. For example:
He that is not jealous is not in love (St. Augustine); and,
Jealousy and love are sisters (Russian Proverb)

These quotes suggest that love and jealousy go together hand-in-hand. Moreover, they may be interpreted to imply that if one does not feel jealous at one time or another when supposedly in love, then they are not really in love in the first place. This may well be true.

Consider the following: romantic love involves holding a person in very high regard and (usually showing them great affection. Being human, however, also involves interaction with other people outside your romantic love. Usually, this means showing these other people at least a modicum of regard and sometimes affection (if they are friends, for instance). Inevitably, there will come a point when a pair of lovers is in the company of others, and the focus of one/both of these lovers is likely to shift to another/others. What's more, one/both of the lovers may be attracted to other people, or find them interesting, despite being happy in their existing romantic (and exclusive) relationship. It is, therefore, possible that the latter situation will give rise to a lover expressing some level of regard and affection to someone who is not their romantic partner. This may be at a level above that normally afforded acquaintances, maybe even friends, and perhaps, on the rare occasion, at a point above that usually reserved for their romantic love.

If, at this last point, no jealousy is felt by the lover who is listening/observing this, then perhaps that person really isn't in love. It may be argued that no matter the confidence of listening partner, that to hear or see their partner show a higher level of regard and affection for someone else than they would ever receive would be cause for feeling any or all of slighted, ignored, disrespected or inadequate at this time. Why? Well even the most self-assured person person usually realises that they cannot be the best in every way, and therefore will encounter people whose talents or beauty exceed their own. Even in their highly evolved state it would only be human to feel somewhat in competition to maintain the status of their relationship with their lover.

Quite simply, the situation presented sits in opposition to the very thing that romantic love generally confers on both lovers - that is, the highest sense of regard and respect in the eyes of one another. Consequently, jealousy, in this situation, would be a natural reaction which simply confirms the desire to be the most highly regarded person in the eyes of our love. Is this a necessarily a bad thing in a romantic relationship?

Perhaps Maya Angelou (a writer and good friend of Oprah's - how could she possibly be wrong?!) put it best when she was quoted as saying:

Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.

This metaphor contends that too much jealousy can be overwhelming yet some is still desirable. Surely, it would deny being human not to want to be considered important, acknowledged, desired, revered even, by one's love? Consequently, to be on the receiving end of jealousy shows us that our words and actions towards others outside our romantic relationship is important and that they are being noticed and therefore that we, and our relationship, are cared about by our lover. The same is true of being the jealous party, it is a sign that we care strongly about how our beloved feels about us, and our relationship, and that we don't want that threatened.

Consequently, some level of jealousy can have a place in romantic love.

AGAINST: Jealousy has no place in (romantic) love.
The jealous lover walks in the front door after an evening out and yelling to their partner says,"I don't want you to see that person again - you're always ogling them and complimenting them and ignoring me while we are with them". The other partner screams back "You're always trying to control me, you don't own me you know?!".

Ah, it's not a pretty scene, is it? When you feel that tension, how could jealously possibly have a place in a romantic relationship? To one party it feels awfully hurtful to the other it feels confining.

Reflect upon what Jennifer James has said of the emotion:

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck.

Consequently, if you feel you are unattractive, you will go searching to find those instances which support that belief. So, when one lover merely comments about the (usually undeniable attractiveness of another person the other lover takes that to mean that they are not attractive
to their partner or that the mere utterance will result in the end of their relationship. This is a clearly a false assumption - the couple have come home together. One has not left the other on the basis of a single comment about another person's attractiveness.

However, as Johann von Schiller has put so eloquently:
O jealousy! thou magnifier of trifles.

The Bible even had something to say on the matter...
[T]he ear of jealousy heareth all things.

and unsurprisingly so did old Shakespeare (in Othello)
Trifles light as air
Are to the jealous confirmations strong
As proofs of holy writ.

Indeed, it is usually a slight act which causes jealousy yet it is actually the problem of the person interpeting the words or actions of their partner that increases the fear of its potential meaning.

Dorothy Dix warns:
The jealous bring down the curse they fear upon their own heads.

In one interpretation, this may mean that by acting jealously you become unattractive to another because you appear to lack self-appreciation/confidence. This, itself, would be the more likely reason for the end of the relationship rather than one partner's slight regard or affection for another on occasion (although this does not refer to people who purposefully try to mak their partner jealous, for they show signs of low self-esteem also).

If you do get jealous it would be worthwhile to consider the words of Paul Eldridge:
Jealousy would be far less torturous if we understood that love is a passion entirely unrelated
to our merits.

Quite! How many people have fallen in love with those who are not the most attractive nor the most intelligent nor the best with money etc.? Sometimes, no explanation can be provided as to why we love another, and in fact there is no cause for jealousy for this very reason.

However, perhaps the crux of the matter can be summed up in the quotes below...

Jealousy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self worth. Each of us has something to give that no one else has (Elizabeth O'Connor)

A show of jealousy is an insult to oneself (Yevgeny Alexandrovich Yevtushenko)

Each of these reminds us that jealousy is not an emotion tied to the love of another but in fact to the love of ourselves. Therefore, jealousy is a personal issue, the roots of which need to be tended to separately from a romantic relationship.

Consequently, jealousy has no place in (romantic) love.

Blog Direction for 2006

2006-01-06T09:23:00.000+10:30

So this is 2006, huh? It's already 06/01/06 and I'm only just blogging to wish everyone a Happy New Year. In the words of many an aging person "where does the time go?"! Anyway, I have started 2006 feeling very ambitious and have a whole set of things I want to achieve this year. I don't see that feeling waning because I'm pretty determined and when I set a serious goal, I go all out.

This year will be the first since I was four that I will not be attending an educational institution of some kind. Yes, this perpetual student expects to enter the permanent workforce! I will get to see the "real world" that I've heard so much about during my studies. It will move from being a mere construct which provides the context for many ideas and theories to being a personal reality. Ooo...

What this also means is that I will not be writing assignments/essays/a thesis, like I have been doing so regularly for the last 10 years. This is bound to drive me a little crazy, since I like research and debate. Therefore, you will see this blog being used in a different way from last year.

I want to improve my argumentative writing skills. So it will become the location of my personal debating challenge. That is, I will choose a saying and present both sides as best I can, then have my readers decide which is the stronger argument. I will know I'm doing OK if I can argue the side I really don't agree with as strongly as the side I truly believe.

Crazy? Sure! Ambitious? Of course! Fun? To me....absolutely!

On one final note... happy anniversary to my blog. It's one this month. I'm so proud!

Music I am Listening To Right Now: Silverchair's Diorama Album
(Min's Rating ****1/2 - this is most definitely an album of which Australians should be proud)

Books of 2005

2005-12-29T13:28:00.000+10:30

This year I made a concerted effort to read more books. It's not that I dislike reading, it's just that my reading has always been directed by my studies. This has had a twofold effect. The first is that I would work hard at reading the three hefty chapters set by my lecturer/tutor/teacher about tax law/ statistics/ chemistry that I barely had the time or energy to pick up any other kind of book. The second is that I link reading with work/study and therefore it does not come to mind as an activity which is done purely for pleasure. Generally, pleasure and relaxation has come in the form television (despite my parents' encouragement to pick up a book as a better alternative).

The other problem I have always found with reading is that it is not something I can do particularly quickly (I think I read only marginally faster than the speed at which the text would be read/said by someone). This causes me some frustratation. With a limit on my free time, it seemed far easier to consume a whole story on television within an hour, for example, instead of it taking me weeks to work my way through a novel.

I think because I have read more books this year, I no longer turn to television the way I once did. In fact, I find some of the television I might have once sat and watched for hours no longer holds my interest (although TV still has its place). Instead, those hours have been replaced with other activities, including reading.

So, where once I might have read only a couple of books unrelated to study within a year, this year I have read fifteen. Some people I know might read at least twice as many as that in the same time and others may never read that many in a lifetime (Victoria Beckham – aka Posh Spice – comes to mind...she makes me look like an absolute genius!). Regardless, I am happy with my improvement on prior years.

Anyhow, for those of you who like to read, and perhaps even those who read sparingly, I shall give you a mini (Minnie!) review of those books I picked up during the course of this year.

Title (Author) (Who Recommended It - Where I Found It) Min's Bit & Rating

The Tasmanian Babes Fiasco (John Birmingham) (Leif – Leif's collection)
Better than it's predecessor - He Died with A Felafel in His Hand - in so much as it has a more coherent plot. Fun but slightly disturbing.
*** ½

History of the World in 10 ½ Chapters (Julian Barnes) (Me– Min's collection)
I wanted to finish this after reading part of it during Year 11 English. I remembered the bits I read back then were clever and ironic. Reading it in full was even better. Makes you think about the way segments of history have been recorded and portrayed. Good for the sceptic in all of us.
****½

War of the Worlds (H.G. Wells) (Classic/Me – Parents' collection)
While I am not a particular fan of sci-fi related books, I felt duty bound to give this one a shot. At the very least most of us have imagined what it might be like to be invaded by beings from another world. It was not too bad, with bits of it quite suspenseful. I found the reading not the easiest in the sense that the style is very much of it's time. Plus, there are references to towns in England around a century ago which I found hard to envisage from the descriptions provided.
***

To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee) (Travis – Min's collection)
Racism, matters of law and the minds of children have always interested me. This book included all three so it made for a great story, in my opinion. A book I'd recommend to anyone.
****

Sophie's World (Jostein Gaarder) (Dad/Leif – Parents' collection)
This was a great book and one I would read again and again. It has so much in it! It mixes the history of philosophical ideas amongst a story set in modern times. In this way, philosophy becomes accessible to those of us with an interest, but no degree, in it! Very interesting and worthwhile. I encourage those who like to ponder life and ideas to give this a read.
****½

My Name is Asher Lev (Chaim Potok) (Leif – Leif's collection)
This was a book that moved me for various reasons. It is about an American Jewish boy growing up with a desire to be an artist in a European Orthodox Jewish household (where being an artist was far from encouraged, more frowned upon actually). His situation and the path of his life were particularly compelling to me (I feel strongly about people being able to pursue their talent/heart's desire). I give it one tissue out of three.
****

Alice in Wonderland (Lewis Carroll) (Classic/Me – Parents' collection)
I read it some years ago but wanted to refresh my memory. A bit like reading the lyrics to those late Beatles' songs! Trippy escapism.
****

Blooming English (Kate Burridge) (Me – Min's collection)
Although me not speak English so great, me wanted to know a bit more about the construction and intricacies of our language. A very enlightening read. For those interested in the way our language has come about and the origins and meanings of various words.
**** ½

To the Lighthouse (Virginia Woolf) (Classic/Dad – Parents' collection)
This was my first foray into "stream of consciousness" writing. It was heavy-going but also beautiful in a way. Kind of complicated but simple at the same time. It's not a style that sits well with me, but in a way it's a challenge. If you hate reading diaries or can't stand the way your mind can just ramble on with thoughts of near-nothingness for long periods of time then this is definitely not the book for you.
***

Catch 22 (Joseph Heller) (Leif – Leif's collection)
One of Leif's favourites, and I can see why. A rollicking good story set in war time. It reminded me a bit of MASH, in that the main character is both comical and but also has moments of poignancy. Some of the situations he finds himself in are quite preposterous which makes it funnier. It also reminded me of the futility and stupidity of war. Altogether a great read.
****½

Death in Venice (Thomas Mann) (Me – Parents' collection)
A brief novel and quite an intense read. The heat of Venice in Summer and a special kind of attraction between an old man and young boy is captured very well (not in a creepy way). Different.
***½

The Scarlet Pimpernell (Baroness Emmuska Orczy) (Leif – Leif's collection)
An old fashioned tale beautifully written which sets the scene of double identities, intrigue and suspense. A very enjoyable read, no matter what your age.
****

Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck) (Classic/Mum/Leif – Parents' collection)
This was another highlight amongst my reading this year. Stylistically it is immensely readable yet still interesting. Language is used brilliantly to portray the journey of a family across the Great American Dustbowl many decades ago. Although a tale of hardship, it is also a tale of hope. Took me ages to read for some reason but well worth it.
****½

Long Way Round (Charley Boorman & Ewan McGregor) (Me – Min's collection)
Biographies and travel books are favourites of mine. Combine the two and I love 'em. Then throw in diary style entries by intelligent actors and it's even better. It's a story about two mates (Ewan and Charley) hopping on their motorbikes and taking on a journey from London to New York (the long way round!!). They are honest and interesting chaps and easy to relate to. The tough times through Russia and Northern Asia were the meat of the book. Worth it for fans of Ewan and/or those who like travel stories or diaries.
****

He Died with a Felafel in His Hand (John Birmingham) (Leif – Leif's collection)
Adventures and mishaps of one man through various share houses in Australia. Fun to read but it definitely wouldn't encourage me to live with strangers. OK to read if you have a reasonably strong stomach for disgusting habits and weird happenings.
***½

The Ideas Book (Various...Phillip Adams & Dale Spender) (Me – Local library)
In the middle of reading it now....watch this space.

I have plenty of books on my "to read" list but suggestions for 2006 will be received with interest.

Intelligences

2005-12-20T19:11:00.000+10:30

How do you tell someone that their interpersonal skills leave something to be desired? That they appear disinterested in other people and, therefore, rude? Is that something a person can improve? Is it likely such a person would want to improve anyway? Hmm...?

Well, we all have multiple intelligences, each to varying degrees. So, before I approach my interpersonally-challenged friend, I thought I'd do a little test myself, to see if I am suitably qualified to offer my help in this department.

According to the test I did here, my level of aptitude for the various intelligences are:

Linguistic 68% (as you can probably tell from the quality of my blog...lol)
Logical-Mathematical 100% (give me a break...no way!)
Visual Spacial 37% (which is why I have trouble with chess)
Musical 82% (I'd hope so!)
Bodily-Kinesthetic 33% (no surprises there)
Interpersonal 75% (well....hopefully that qualifies me to impart some advice)
Intrapersonal 82% (apparently peak performers do well on this intelligence...)
Naturalist 50%

How did you fare?
Do you have any advice for my interpersonally challenged friend?

Wedding Tickets?

2005-12-16T11:43:00.000+10:30

I just got invited to a friend's wedding. Instead of being sent a fancy invitiation I was issued a couple of theatre-style tickets. It's unorthodox but kinda nifty. Has anyone else had tickets to a wedding before?

An Optimist? You betcha.

2005-12-13T08:34:00.000+10:30

OK, so perhaps I did not show signs of being an optimist recently, when a kind lady gave me her paid-up car parking ticket and I, without pausing, cautioned my fellow passengers that such an act meant something bad was sure to follow.

Soon after, my health got worse and other not so fantastic things happened. Meanwhile, last year I got a $50 parking fine after my first date with Leif. The latter was obviously a good thing from which other good things followed. So you can see how a parking fine = good things happening and parking gifted by others= bad things happening. Hang on, how could you possibly be calling the link between cause and effect in my theory, spurious? Well...? *laughs*

Generally, I'm a glass half-full kinda gal - especially when the glass contains something hideous I wouldn't dare drink (it's a joke people...stay with me). Yet, it was brought to my attention that I seemed to be getting a little serious of late. This was by someone who knew me some time ago, and in whose company I was frequently happy, laughing and smiling (which I consider to be my natural state). They were times I spent enjoying the moment, not worrying so much about what everything meant, just knowing that it felt good. I focussed on the fun. Life was as light as air and I was drifting along happily in it.

I had promised myself I would always live like that, after I had experienced a very negative person soon before. This earlier person's company would frequently make me miserable. They would make me think about my every action, every thought, as well as analysing and pointing out all my faults. I soon realised that such a person was toxic, pulling me down with their own miserable psyche. I remember the relief I felt when they left my life and I still do not have any sense of missing them now. They were actually a great example of what I never wanted to be like. I recognised the lesson at the time.

Even before that person, I always dreaded being the kind to bring others down. So, when I start noticing myself being pessimistic and other people pointing out my seriousness I know it's time to snap out of it (for the simple reason that the idea of being guilty of the same crime as this person I mentioned is abhorrent to me). Underneath that is my otherwise optimistic but grounded spirit which is far more pleasant to live with, not just for others but also for myself.

At a time when I am trying to finish my thesis, thinking about finding new work and getting my life sorted, I should be really vigilant about not sapping my own energy and spirit. It's a busy and uncertain time, but I recognise it does not have to be a negative one. I still have plenty to be happy about and enjoy in life, if I just let myself.

Consequently, if you find me dwelling, stressing, overthinking (except about my thesis) or living life as if it were to be endured rather than enjoyed, please find the closest available rubber chicken and hit me with it (or send me a picture of one).

Here's to the me that enjoys life, the me who intends to come out and play more often. Cheers!

Did My Eyes Deceive Me?

2005-12-09T12:40:00.000+10:30

Or did I just see that there were over 1,800,000 singles on Lavalife (thanks to one of those little messages that appear when I go into hotmail)? That's unbelievable! When I first visited similar sites there might have been 50 guys from around the whole world. Times, they are a changing.

Meanwhile, I'm glad to be sharing Christmas with my beloved this year. I hope some of those 1.8mil people have the opportunity to do the same in the future because I'm all excited about it.

All I can say is - Bring on the peace and goodwill!

A matter of Trust

2005-11-30T13:26:00.000+10:30

Another article in today's Age was in relation to AIDS (as it is World AIDS Day tomorrow). It shocked me with the revelation that "most women are infected by their long-time partners".

The problem with such a revelation is that it makes you wary about the potential for it to happen to you, even when you are supposedly in a relationship with someone you trust.

On the one hand, I reject the notion that you should "trust no-one". However, you have to wonder - to what extent do you need to protect your own life with the knowledge that it's possible you could contract AIDS from the person you love and have been with for years on end?

I'm sure the women who contracted the virus from their long-term partners had no indication that it was even possible given their situation, and trusted their partners on the basis of their relationship and shared history (although not foolishly - for example without first having a blood test before commencing a sexual relationship with that person).

All I can say is - what a horrible situation to find yourself in. I hope like anything that nobody I know finds themselves in such an awful position.

Fighting the right fight?

2005-11-30T12:51:00.000+10:30

It's likely Nguyen's life is soon to be cut short by execution in Singapore. Personally, I'm sure a life sentence would be punishment enough for the kind of crime committed by Nguyen - and enough of a deterrent to those considering any similar activity. In my opinion, the value of another man's life is not for any man to decide, particularly the ending of it.

So, it was with interest that I read today's article by Singapore's high commissioner in Australia. While I agreed with him on a number of points regarding the reasons for Nguyen's likely execution, I still couldn't overlook the letter from David McOrist, St Kilda, saying:

"Nguyen Tuong Van did not kill anyone. He was caught transporting heroin. There are those who support his execution on the basis that a few people may eventually have overdosed on that heroin.

Every milk bar owner, super-market proprietor and cigarette transport truck driver in Australia are traffickers of another drug - nicotine. These have contributed to the suffering and deaths of tens of thousands of Australians.

Execute them all?"

I feel strongly about the abuse of drugs ruining people's lives but I also believe in fairness...and Mr McOrist points out the double standard of sorts. Particularly when we know the statistics on cigarette smoking and the vast number of people that kills prematurely.

This situation makes me question whether we are fighting the right fight - not just on this matter but in many cases both personally as the human race.

Bloggers Easily Stirred

2005-11-29T19:10:00.000+10:30

Some people take this blogging thing very seriously. Funny considering sometimes I get accused of over-analysing and taking some things too seriously myself. Consequently, I find myself highly amused at the stir I can cause with very little effort.

*Min beams with self-satisfaction*

Effective punishment?

2005-11-29T19:02:00.000+10:30

Women are known to withhold affection as punishment for a partner's mistakes. I'm not one of those women, most probably because withholding affection would also be a punishment for me. Ergo, why would I punish myself for someone else's mistake?

I am curious, however, to know if women out there actually find it an effective means of solving an issue with their partner?

Mature Audiences...but only in the US

2005-11-25T17:06:00.000+10:30

OK...so I went browsing on ebay to see the wide variety of items that are for sale. I can't help but be curious, so I visited the "Mature Audiences" section. Yes, well, anyway...after signing in, I found I was denied access. Am I old enough? Yes. Do I live in a country where I could ordinarily buy items considered to fall in this category? Yes. So, I was a little put out by the blanket "access not allowed" screen that comes up apologising and explaining that only those in the US can view it because of the laws regarding the sale of pornography over the Internet. It continued....

"We do know that in some countries access to at least some material of this nature may be lawful, however eBay is unable to block access to the Mature Audiences category on a country by country basis. Therefore, to avoid legal exposure for our members and out of respect for laws regulating such material, we have implemented this policy"

Fair enough I suppose- but why do those conservative countries have to ruin it for the rest of us?

How well do we really know the people close to us?

2005-11-10T10:10:00.000+10:30

The families and religious leaders who are supposed to know the recently arrested terror suspects (here in Melbourne) seem sure that these men were incapable of undertaking the kind of actions the allegations suggest. While I feel for the families and friends of any person arrested - it must be absolutely terrible for many reasons– I think it's supremely naïve to assume that they could know everything about these grown men.

I am not for one minute saying these men are guilty of the allegations made against them, because I'm in no position. The point I'm making is that some people are very good at giving the appearance of being one thing while in fact being something else. “Beware wolves in sheep's clothing” as the saying goes.

I mean, how many of us have contemplated things our friends or families would never conceive we would do or want to do? How many people have committed suicide and their families or friends are left shocked that someone so close to them was so low and they didn't know? How many people have been dumped not realising that the other person felt the way they did?

People are complex - some carry secrets, some hide their feelings, some pretend to be something they're not. I really feel for these people – they don't see how they can solve their problems in a healthy way or can't find people they trust to support them or lack peaceful role models in their life to guide them.

I don't see how it's possible for the greater population to overcome, or at least tame, the darker side of human nature with these problems prevalent. For some reason, however, the optimist in me doesn't stop me from hoping we can.

The time has come...

2005-11-02T11:05:00.000+10:30

From the time I was about 12-17, I used to write a daily journal. They're great to look back at, and see how I was, how I've changed, how I felt about people, issues, circumstances and generally see what went through my mind. They're even interesting just to see how my handwriting, vocabulary, and writing style developed. Journaling was probably also important in the sense that it helped clear my head and made hand-writing essays easier (as was necessary back in the day) because it was something I became practiced at and so it became natural to me.

What I have found, however, is that I sometimes end up using my blog for the kind of thoughts I used to keep private in my journal (simply out of habit, I realise). The problem with this is that when I read my hand-written journals, my thoughts on something quite often changed from one day to the next. A thought on the first day was only a truth at the time it was written and not the next day when I had given the thought/situation some space and time. Consequently, for someone like myself, this makes blogging on a whim a dangerous past-time and frought with the potential for misunderstandings - ones that may not exist but for my impulse to free the thoughts in my mind.

I've always found writing my thoughts easier than saying them and it's also something I need to do (because that wretched little hampster in my brain runs constantly at full speed). So, I'm giving the blogging a rest, unless something of great value presents itself that I feel I must share, express an opinion about or I have a need to garner some advice on an impersonal area (like e-bay, for example). Meanwhile, for those of you who like reading about people's political thoughts or perhaps their personal trivialities, there are plenty about which may provide you interest or amusement.

What I am saying is that I have come to realise I am far better suited to being in bed at the end of the day with a pen and a journal and writing purely for myself.

Thanks for visiting me, particularly if you are a regular.

*signs off and heads out to buy a journal*

A Woman's Worth...

2005-11-02T09:35:00.000+10:30

Before you read the following lyrics and assume that I am making some kind of statement about my current situation or someone, anyone (you, me, my man, the lyricist) I want to clarify that I have appreciated the sentiment of these lyrics since the time I heard them years ago and irrespective of what's happening to me (actually, for those who care, I'm relishing having my beautiful man back in town and the relief that I feel in being able to breathe out again...lol).

Nevertheless, the longer I live, the more I see these lyrics about how people should treat each other in a relationship (not necessarily just about a woman's worth - but the worth of two people to each other). All I can say is...Amen Ms Keys.

You could buy me diamonds, you could buy me pearls
Take me on a cruise around the world
Baby you know I'm worth it
Dinner lit by candles, run my bubble bath
Make love tenderly to last and last
Baby you know I'm worth it
Wanna please wanna keep wanna treat your woman right
Not just told to but to show that you know she is worth your time
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first

A real man knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can't deny a woman's worth

If you treat me fairly I'll give you all my goods
Treat you like a real woman should
Baby I know you're worth it
If you never play me, promise not to bluff
I'll hold you down when shit gets rough
Baby I know you're worth it
She rolls the mile makes you smile all the while being true
Don't take for granted the passion that she has for you
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first

'Cause a real man knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can't deny a woman's worth

No need to read between the lines, I'll spell it out for you
Just hear this song 'cause you can't go wrong when you value
A woman...a woman's worth

Quote of the Day
The weaker sex is the stronger sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.

Think about it!!

Let's get loud...

2005-10-28T11:44:00.000+09:30

Oh geez, now it's a J Lo song...help me please!!

Come on baby and rescue me....'cause I need you by my side

2005-10-28T09:03:00.000+09:30

....or so the song goes on the Sister Act CD I bought on e-bay. I bid thinking it was Sister Act II (since I was searching for that) and didn't really notice in my excitement that it wasn't (oh, how sad!). Anyhow, I love girl groups from the 60s so owning the original soundtrack is no real problem. However, does anyone own a Sister Act II CD that they wish to sell me?

On a completely unrelated topic, I am getting a little sick of the whole Cup Carnival (I probably shouldn't say that given I want to work in events, lol!). I mean, life's big questions are hardly "Will Makybe Diva race or not?" and "Do I buy a new hat and toss out my fascinator as they are soooo last season?"

Big money for a few minutes of entertainment, lots of drinking and fashion for fashion's sake are so superficial and frivolous, therefore not really of interest to me. So, despite having been to Emirates Stakes Day (in the corporate area) before, I still find of all the events in Melbourne it's one I don't really get excited about.

Breathe out so I can breathe you in...

2005-10-25T22:25:00.000+09:30

What's with all the random song lyrics? Well, what can I say, at the moment random songs come in to my head and certain lines stick around that happen to resonate with me. That one came to me in the shower....go figure?!

This evening was a mixed bag. I played the piano for a while - although my fingers were not taking their direction from Bach like they should have been. Then, while I was on the bike (hehe, pretending to be working up a sweat!) I was watching bits of the brooding Jimmy Dean in "East of Eden", then Dicko in "Dancing with the Stars" (I love "tell it like it is" Dicko, he's honest but a softie really - and that English accent and those photos of him as a young surfer - he's a spunk) then a live vasectomy on Rove.

Some things I read made a big deal over the whole vasectomy thing being a new low for Channel 10. Personally, having seen it, I thought it was a worthwhile exercise. It showed how fast and relatively painless the whole thing is and that your average guy can cope with having it done. Plus, both procedure and recovery time is much less than for a woman to have her tubes tied. Then, making the generalisation that on the whole women tend to carry the responsibility for contraception most of the time anyway - so I'm all for men stepping up and taking part (as long as the reasons are right for them).

Ah, where one door closes, another will open

2005-10-24T19:20:00.000+09:30

Cliches, cliches, where would I be without cliches?

The title cliche is the one I have had to bear in mind today after things didn't go the way I wanted. Mind you, I've realised the hard way that sometimes things don't happen for a reason, perhaps just one that I can't see yet. So, I just trust that the universe has something else in store for me.

*trying to make myself feel better* I mean, did Oprah know she was gonna rule the TV world when she was 26? Nah...and look what happened to her *knowing that such a life is wholly unrealistic but likes to dream*

No, I won't let things get me down.

In the meantime, I am kinda pleased with myself that we're down to the final 6 Aus Idols, and I picked Dan, Daniel, Emily and Anne as stayers months ago, and there they are still hanging in there. How can I possibly put my eye/ear for talent to good use I ask you?

Everything means nothing, if I ain't got you

2005-10-24T19:11:00.000+09:30

Ain't nobody gonna steal this heart away

2005-10-24T18:53:00.000+09:30

I Feel Good...da na na na na na na....I knew that I would now...

2005-10-23T09:18:00.000+09:30

On this simply perfect spring morning, I couldn't help but get up early. I ventured to the supermarket to do a bit of shopping while it was quiet, but while there encountered the most dreadful screaming from a small child.

As I wandered the aisles, I came across this beautiful boy in a pram, tears streaming down his little honey coloured cheeks. I couldn't help but smile at this wailing sweetheart. Instantaneously, he stopped his crying and smiled right back. He didn't make a single noise after that the whole time I was in the supermarket.

It was just a nice feeling. I think my happiness is catching :-)

Heaven on Earth

2005-10-21T17:46:00.000+09:30

Whoa, what a great afternoon in so many ways - but no time for describing all that. I've just watched "Restaurant" - it's a DVD I've finally hunted down which has the sexiest and most talented actor alive (in my humble opinion) Mr Adrien Brody.

Be still my racing heart... that guy makes me totally weak at the knees. If there's such a thing as X factor - my gosh he's got it.

This film provided me my first sighting of him in bed, looking ever so understatedly hot and being ever so gorgeous. He's just outta this world.

(That's the scene - but without motion it doesn't capture the lovely way he has about him....)

I'm sorry, I must muffle those teenage squeals of excitement and go and have a lie down. Actually, no, I think I'll go obsess a bit more and watch that scene a few more times.

* has flashbacks to being 16* *laughs at self* *gets a grip*

... vs ---

2005-10-21T15:40:00.000+09:30

passion vs romance
sparks vs warmth
mystique vs transparency
hotel keys vs house keys
sex vs love-making
fast vs slow
untamed vs tamed
rhythm vs melody
natural vs contrived
volatile vs consistent
transient vs lasting
exciting vs serene
tigers vs kittens
black vs white
new vs old
tough vs tender
deception vs truth

certainty vs confusion
sexy vs handsome
satin vs chiffon
sight vs sound
lust vs love
kiss vs cuddle
orchids vs roses
sharp vs sweet
selfish vs selfless
intense vs yielding
wanting vs needing
magazines vs books
superficial vs deep
justice vs mercy
instinct vs reason

...decisions...

If you don't know me by now, then you will never ever ever know me

2005-10-21T10:54:00.000+09:30

Haunted Past

2005-10-20T22:05:00.000+09:30

I am very fortunate to have this photo. It's the Jewish side of my family (my mother's father's side), the Kohns who lived in Vienna (although their ancestry is a mix of Hungarian and Austrian).

Clockwise from the top left is my grandfather Gustav (who chose to be called Peter Cunningham when he moved to England), my great grandfather Paul, my great grandmother Margrete, my great great grandfather Ignaz, and his sister-in-law Sophie. The photo we believe is from the late 1930s around the time of my grandfather's Bar Mitzvah (although they weren't very religious from what I understand).

Anyway, a few weeks ago the family went out to dinner with a Jewish lady from England whose parents had escaped Poland when the Nazis were wielding their power. So, given mum's interest in the topic, they began swapping stories. A lot of fun as you can imagine *insert sarcasm here*. I have heard enough stories about the Holocaust and my family's untimely deaths in concentration camps (both Paul and Margrete died in them) under the unbelievably cruel Nazi regime. Yet I heard a story I had not come across before.

My grandfather, who escaped to England in his teens (without his parents whose paperwork didn't arrive before they were captured by the Nazis) apparently used to wake up screaming when my mum was a little girl. My mum used to ask my grandma why he would do that, and what was wrong with him. Mum was always told not to mention it and not to upset her father, so mum never found out.

Anyway, years down the track, my grandmother confided in my dad why my grandfather used to do that. It turns out my grandfather was dreaming of the times that his middle aged parents (Paul and Margrete) were made to scrub the streets on their hands and knees while being beaten. Apparently, this image of his parents traumatised my beautiful grandfather all his life. I'm not sure if he ever saw it happen, or if he just knew about it.

My stomach turned at this not uncommon story from the time and I felt deep anger and sadness.

I look at the picture above knowing that these were respectable middle aged people. Harmless, innocent, hard working people who were wiped out for no good reason. All their possessions taken, my great-great grandfather's prosperous leather business in Vienna gone, the family split up and sent to their deaths, and my grandfather left to fend for himself in a new country.

My mum has always told me never to forget what my family has been through. I don't intend to, and I won't let others forget what was such a tragic time in history. Sadly, I only have to look at the news to see so much of the world doesn't seem to have learned from the past. I keep hoping they will.

Me, Dad & A Deep Conversation

2005-10-20T08:43:00.000+09:30

Somehow last night I ended up in a deep conversation with my Dad about all sorts of things. It was just us at home, and for some reason I had been thinking about what aspects of me came from what sides of the family and so I started to ask Dad his opinion. Always having been told I look like my mum, I sometimes reject that to be the whole truth, as I capture glimpses of my Dad's mum in myself. Dad agreed, that as I've gotten older I have started to take on characteristics of his mum and his mum's mum (in their younger years). Something about my eyes and certain aspects of my face. This is quite flattering in some ways, because my grandma was an attractive lady and very elegant. She was the kind of grandma who would paint my nails and take me to the cosmetics counter and pick the right colour lipsticks for me. Dad also revealed she was dark and mysterious at times, and an emotional person (even more like me). It was intriguing listening to him talk about her.

Somehow the conversation turned into him telling me how he thought I was strong. I laughed and said "Dad, I'm the most emotional person I know - I cry at all sorts of things". He said that wasn't a weakness, and that's not what he was talking about. What truly surprised me was that he said mum had actually commented to him that she admired my strength. I looked at him like - My mum? I can't explain why that shocks me except that I guess I always thought that she was the strong one. Anyway, he explained what he meant, and I recognised what he was talking about. It's not the first time I've heard it either. I've heard it from friends and boyfriends. It's curious what other people see in me.

I have felt my strength grow even more recently. I'm finding a surety. A certainty. I know what I want and I know what's important to me. I know who my friends are. I am learning who and what to trust. I am finding I know what I do and don't stand for and what I will and won't tolerate. I guess it's knowing me and it's a satisfying feeling.

I don't know how it came up (I certainly didn't bring it up) but we got talking about attraction in marriages , and how it's not the reason to marry someone, because people change so much as they age anyway. He assured me there are many more important reasons to marry. So, I smiled at Dad, and nodded and said "you're preaching to the converted"! (although I've never been out with anyone I'm not attracted to so I can't imagine this ever being a problem).

Then we got on to me and religion. A topic I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have discussed with my Dad before. He said he no longer knew what I believed and that it seemed all thoughts of my conversion to Judaism had disappeared (I had started actively pursuing it some years back and was talking with Jewish family friends to get into the community). He was concerned I was agnostic. I assured him that I believed strongly in God (at least my interpretation there of). This got us into the meaty part of our discussion which was strange, awkward, uncomfortable, and a little emotional for me with him because it's so personal and I know how much religion influences his life. Plus, it's been a long time since I've had this kind of discussion with him. Anyway, as I explained to him where I drew my strength from, and that I was more spiritual than anything else, I told him my dislike for organised religion. Then he picked me up on intellectualising something which can't be intellectualised. Funny considering I do everything else based on feelings and faith, right? Well, I guess religious practices, however, have to make sense for me to follow them.

Anyhow, before this becomes a whole meandering waffle about my beliefs, the hour over which this conversation continued just flew by. I realise again that I am so lucky that I have a family member who encourages me to think about life and how I live in it. So many people live their lives with little consciousness about how and why they do things, and how their actions affect others. I'm just glad I'll never be one of them.

I need you more than I want you, and I want you for all time

2005-10-19T07:24:00.000+09:30

Friends of friends

2005-10-18T09:06:00.000+09:30

What do you do if you find you don't like friends of your friends?

You might find them any one/or combination of:
rude
boring
having different values
well-meaning but irritating
or their general demeanor just gets you down

I'm a terrible liar but a brilliant actress (confusing huh?!). I will never say something I don't mean but I can play nice with the best of them. Thankfully, I am blessed with being able to see something good in everyone. Yet, I'd prefer not to have to have to skirt around the issue.

So, do I try and keep the peace with my friends by playing along and avoid the people I dislike where possible? Or do I speak my mind and tell my friends my opinion?

Lipstick on his collar....

2005-10-18T08:57:00.000+09:30

No really...I was standing on the train yesterday morning looking down at this guy's shirt collar and there it was. A cliche...on an ordinary business shirt! It was a kiss of bright pink lipstick near his neck. While not trying to give this shocking pink a bad name it was the kind that could only be associated with certain type of woman. Anyhow, my guess is that his weekend went better than anticipated and there was no time for soaking shirts. Good for him!!

In other unusual sightings was a man reading an extremely tatty newspaper to this giant picture of a model in an office window. I'd loved to have stopped and seen what section he felt the need to impart to this pretty picture. Perhaps he wasn't actually reading at all, instead improvising and asking her to put lipstick on his collar? Who knows. I've come to the conclusion that people are weird.

Extremes of Love

2005-10-16T09:44:00.000+09:30

I just went to a school friend's engagement party. I felt a genuine excitement and pleasure that my friend (who I spent many lunch times sitting around with dissecting various boys in our year level - both their good and bad aspects) had found someone she wanted to share the rest of her life with.

They made the decision to marry not because they had to, not because there was an expectation to, not because they each wanted to settle down at the same time and they happened to be in each other's lives. No, this is about real love. Not a single pretention between them, they were casual and relaxed and, oh, they exuded happiness from the inside out. The smiles never left their faces even when they were separated, chatting with all their various guests. It was truly joyous. It was a love that's rarely seen these days. Solid, secure, happy, fulfilling and ultimately beautiful. Not about two halves becoming a whole but about two wholes joining forces and sharing life's good fortune and hardships. Being totally thoughtful of one another. If I sound a bit mushy, it's because it's exactly the kind of love I've always dreamed about.

Then as I was driving home, I faced the other extreme. A relationship which even from the outside seemed totally about pretention and about jealousy and insecurities. Yes, it was a couple from the remaining revellers who were still out after being at the Caulfield Cup (which I had ummed and ahhed about attending given that it's so close to me - and I had an outfit I wanted to wear). Anyway, there they were, walking down the street, both looking very glam, her in her pale pink suit and hat, and him carrying his suit jacket over his shoulder. They seemed emotional after a long day and probably a glass or two too many. He was walking backwards to face her as they argued on the road. I cringed as they yelled at each other, it was dreadful. Meanwhile, in my imagination I made up a number of scenarios that might have happened during the day to make it end this way for them - none of them pleasant.

If there's nothing that makes me more uncomfortable it's private relationship arguments made public. Surprises you right? Given people seem to assume I'm quite open. Well, on the contrary my friends. I only see it as people showing disrespect for one another. Respect, my readers, in relationships is of utmost importance to me. If I do not respect someone, I cannot be their friend. Thus, I think highly of all those I choose to call my friend. Likewise, if I don't feel I am being treated with respect by someone, expect me to disregard them as a friend (perhaps harsh but in my experience fair since time is too precious to spend on people like that).

Anyway, so my loving friends at their engagement party were offset by this miserable couple I saw on the way home. Life is full of extremes like that at the moment....the kind and thoughtful, and the hurtful and disrespectful.

Mazel tov to my friend. She deserves every bit of happiness as she's always been one to make others happy.

Quote of the Day
However rare true love is, true friendship is rarer (La Rochefoucauld)

Trip to the Orthodontist (number 15 or 16 or something)

2005-10-15T09:27:00.000+09:30

My trips to the orthodontist have their ups sides and their down sides.

The up side is usually the removal of my 6 week old clear bands, which after that time are always nicely discoloured. I thought having clear braces would be an advantage but problems arise if you like food with strong colourings like curries, red wine or tomato-based meals. I do like these things but they do stain the bands. However, from the outset I wasn't going to give them up, since I'd already have to say goodbye to overly crunchy or chewy foods, both of which I love (texture is tres important with food).

It makes me laugh that one of my male friends (you know who you are) thinks that braces are kinda sexy. I think he said it was something to do with the idea of innocence. Plus, it would feel different to kiss a mouth with metal present etc. Anyhow, if he saw me removing spinach from the wire close to my back teeth many hours after a meal, or felt the pain where wire end pokes into my cheek sometimes, I'd suggest he'd rethink. Yes, braces are so very sexy, lol.

The down side is the fact that the orthodontist always says I'm almost there every time... "if only that tooth would just straighten a bit more" (it's good, he's just as much of a perfectionist as I am). He won't say how much longer I have left unless I ask and even then he's vague. I had hoped to have them off by my 26th birthday (which was already 2 years after having them put on) but at this rate it'll be my 40th before I'm released from my shackles.

Believe me, there'll be a big party the day they come off, and plenty of running my tongue over my new, straight, smooth teeth.

It's a Beautiful Day

2005-10-14T07:48:00.000+09:30

Walking the streets of my life like a stranger

Hearing but not comprehending
Going through the motions
Empty day-to-day business
Mind ticking over and over
Trying to sleep away endless hours
Familiar faces still not like home
All pleasure disappeared from eating

Nothing seems to yield
---
In an instant splendid change arrives
Joy overcomes
Sorrows vanish
Home transforms from mere space to feeling
Warmth security love
Faces light up and eyes smile
Everything sounds sweeter, feels softer, tastes better
Life is alive, new and compassionate again

Walking the streets of my life like a stranger no more.

Relativity

2005-10-10T19:25:00.000+09:30

Everything in life's relative, right? Relative to our own experience and relative to that of others. Well, in the scheme of things I'm doing just downright dandy. I was recently reminded of the saying that I used to hear in my childhood “remember, there are always people worse off than you”. In all honesty I can't think of a single situation I've experienced in my life where that is not the case (and few people could). So, while my heart grows a little wearier with the news of more devastation and loss of life (in places like Pakistan and Guatemala) it reminds me to be greatful for the life I have.

Then today when I woke up and stood on the scales and they were the friendliest they've been in 5 years I was pleased with my efforts (here I come my old Levi jeans...yes...we will be reunited...lol...patience my blue denim friend). Things have started to feel good. The sun was shining on the way to work and life seems pregnant with possibilities. All of a sudden everything just works... and I feel fun in the air.

Oh, and thanks to those couple of friends who I haven't seen for many many months for your company over the last couple of days.

To the first - thanks for keeping up with my walking stamina yesterday... even in that strong wind those 2 hours flew by - I hope you don't have jelly legs for your Tae Kwan Do class tonight - kick some butt.

To the second, thanks for joining me at lunch today when we bumped into each other wandering down Flinders Lane- I hope work didn't mind adding "Min time" to your job description! hehe Your words of wisdom have been noted :)

I'd better dash....I'm running late

Quote of the Day
He who does not live in some degree for others, hardly lives for himself (Montaigne)

Poor Min...Poooor Min

2005-10-10T19:15:00.000+09:30

No, no, no...I'm not referring to me you duffers...I mean Minnie the Moocher....You know? The old Cab Calloway song (he used to do it on Sesame Street in my youth and I loved it)? It ends with Poor Min....Pooor Min.

And so sang Ms Robertson in her sexy red number on Australian Idol last night. Plus, Ms Williams also delivered a beauty to her boyfriend in the audience with “All the Way”. The judges were right...if having him there makes her sing like that...then that guy better go everywhere she performs!!*

I am glad to say a number of the Idols I picked early on in the competition have hung around until this stage (see my Aug 12 predictions). And while this year's Idols have really not delivered some of the big 'touchdown' moments that Guy, Paulini and Anthony did, I can still pick the best of a pretty ordinary lot.

I must learn to harness this power to some useful end! Lol!

*It does help that I just loved the theme of the night which was big band/swing music. Just like my dad's dad used to play in a real army band back in WWII.

It's nice to feel proud...

2005-10-07T19:30:00.000+09:30

I just thought I'd share some good news rather than all that depressing stuff I've been blogging of late.

My dear boyfriend, Leif, has won himself the Coach of the Year award from Mentone Hockey Club for coaching their Under 17 South hockey team. I am very proud of him as I know that he was dedicated and committed to that bunch, throughout the season. Plus, his words of encouragement to various team members saw them improve noticeably.

During the season, I went along to a number of the games to support them and him (often on freezing cold nights), so it's nice to know it was worth it! What's more, the qualities that have made him a top coach are just some of those that I admire in him.

Yay Leify!

Safety Concerns in New York

2005-10-07T19:03:00.000+09:30

I spoke to my beloved Leif today, who informed me of his plans to stay in New York for quite some time over the coming couple of weeks while he's traveling in the US. This morning I was happy for him, as it's a city I remember loving.

Nevertheless, my main concern during his travels has always been his safety. So, it did little to reassure me when I heard about the potential terrorist threat to the NYC subway system this evening.

When I was in the Big Apple, you only had to worry about being mugged or raped, and you could avoid those if you stayed aware of your surroundings and avoided certain situations and areas. Terrorism doesn't usually afford you such preparation.

So, all I can do is hope and pray that nothing else befalls that great city and that my darling Leify stays safe while he's there. News like this just makes me want him back in my arms sooner rather than later.

Daddy's Little Girl

2005-10-05T08:30:00.000+09:30

Recently, I've seen my dad a bit more often than I have done for a while. It's made me realise how old he seems now. It's tough when you've always been daddy's little girl, to notice that happen. Sometimes I get to thinking about when he dies. You might wonder why I would, but dad has taken to counting down the number of Christmases he has left and has done that for a number of years (dad marks things by Christmas because it's his favourite time of year). Tonight he reminded me there were 12 left.

He seems so worn down sometimes, like his body has betrayed his spirit, making it hard work to do all the things in life that he is so passionate about. I get the impression he desires his final resting place far before I know I'll be able to let him go.

He's had a number of chronic health problems over the years. I wouldn't list them all, but everything from recurring kidney stones to a very debilitating inner ear condition which has affected his balance and hearing considerably (which makes me so sad given how much music is a part of his life) and makes him feel sick more often than not. The physical side of him betrays what I know lies within. This is a man who loves to do many things, and has a particular passion for the Arts, travel and teaching others. I often wonder how it could be fair that such a good and kind man has to suffer so much. What's more, I don't know how he copes but he rarely complains.

I remember how much I adored him when I was little. How proud I was of him. How I got to hang out with him in his Year 11/12 music classes at Caulfield Grammar, from when I was about 5 or 6. All the students he taught music to and all the people in the choirs and orchestras he conducted used to love him. He was always showered with gifts at the end of concerts he directed. Even now, people make a point of coming to tell me how lovely and talented he is. I have always brimmed with pride thinking “Yeah, that's my Dad”.

When I was a girl he used to tickle me to death until I'd beg for mercy. Then we'd run around the house at full speed (with mum yelling at us to stop) until I'd manage to tackle him to the floor and tickle him until we were both in hysterics. Dad and I have always loved a good laugh and still do. We also liked to hide in cupboards and behind doors and jump out to frighten the life out of each other. He still tries to do it, but I am little wiser to him now (plus the pantry door can't shut with him in it anymore, lol!). However, with him not being able to hear very well, I often surprise him without meaning to because he can't hear me coming. Sadly ironic.

There were times I considered him my best friend. I mean, he believed in me at times that I didn't. We'd also discuss topics which were difficult, and sometimes uncomfortable. As he adopted Christianity with more devotion we would talk about that. I remember asking him one time when I was about 17 what he'd do if I married a Jew, or a Buddhist or a Muslim (being that he raised me to love people from all over the world). With the mention of each one he told me he'd be sad because he wouldn't be able to spend eternity with me but he said he'd always want for my happiness and would support me. And that's just like my dad...selfless.

All those nights I used to head to the bathroom to be sick (which was frequent occurrence in my younger years) he'd get up, make sure I was OK and clean up after me until I was old enough to look after myself. The few times I've been in and out of hospital he made sure I was looked after and took care of me until I was well. Likewise, he has always cared for my mother like she's a queen.

My dad has been a role model and my main support in many ways, and the thought of not having him around is more than I can bear. Nobody could every replace him. I've told him, he's not allowed to leave me until I'm ready to leave this earth too. Yet, for all my wishing, hoping and praying I know it's highly unlikely. So, rather than dwell on that too much, I think I'll just enjoy him while he's still here and try and learn as many of life's lessons from him as I can.

Urge to kill rising....

2005-09-25T09:50:00.000+09:30

Have you ever felt so irritable and angry that you just want to hurt yourself? I'm snapping at my parents when they're trying to help me and I can't focus on anything. Why? Well I've just got more than I can cope with on my mind at the moment. But I don't want to share my thoughts because everything that comes out might be all wrong especially when I'm not thinking very rationally. All I can say is that it feels like I'm imploding. You ever experienced that crushing feeling where you cry so heavily that your whole chest feels like it's got the heaviest anvil you could imagine pressing down on it? Like it's going to break your heart and you'll never be able to recover? God, I wish I could breathe.

I'm heading off to a concert this afternoon which should hopefully be full of meditative type music which will calm my mood and create some focus. God I hope so.

Quote of the Day
Silence can be more disturbing than noise (P.K. Shaw)

Missing in Action

2005-09-24T12:40:00.000+09:30

In the absence of your partner, what do you find you do and don't miss about them? Does your life feel better or worse without them? More or less stressful? Does it make you realise you need/want them in your life more or less? Does separation make your feelings for them clearer or fuzzier?

Care to share?

Quote of the day:
It is not a lack of love but lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages (Freidrich Neitzche)

Justice Vs Mercy

2005-09-24T12:07:00.000+09:30

It's an interesting one. For me however, I tend to be very much on the side of justice. It may surprise some people who know me, and think of me as the gentle, kind and forgiving sort (which I can of course be). But more than anything, I hate injustice, and if I see or hear about an injustice of any description I feel my blood start to boil and the anger rise to the point where I fire up beyond anyone's recognition. I don't think anyone who would read this blog would ever have seen quite how fired up I can get. Believe me though, as I can become a little ball of fire raging almost out of control.

So, when my brother and I went down to the beach for a walk to catch up, he told me about his work and how he had been underpaid for the last month. This is not the first time he has told me this has happened. It is also not the first time he has tried to have his pay corrected. The last time has still not been sorted, and doesn't look like it will ever be. In speaking to the person who apparently processes his monthly payroll (which is itself an issue) to fix the issue, she told him he was lucky to get paid at all since she was away on sick leave. Apart from the fact that that's a crap thing to say (and not particularly Christian in my version of the book) her absence is not, as I see it, my brother's problem. Nor was it the cause of his incorrect pay which is short a couple of hundred dollars again through incorrect processing.

Now, my brother works in the big Anglican building in the city and his role entails casual weekend work to support him while he stays out of home and pays his uni fees. He and dad have been involved with the place for many years, as my brother was a chorister (then head chorister) there while he was at school. I, on the other hand, have no time for the place as I have spent years hearing about the type of people who work there and find them not at all to my liking. Almost the antithesis of my idea of how Christian people should behave (especially if they want new recruits). The only time I would visit there was to support my brother and dad at Christmas time when the place actually felt like I believe it should.

So, I could feel the flames rising in me when I heard this. The staff at the place have known my brother a long time. They also know that he relies on his pay there to be able to support himself. The person at work who is in effect his supervisor should be looking out for him but she doesn't seem to care particularly that he has not been paid what he should have been. She even said something flippant to him when he told her. From what I can tell, they are taking advantage of his faith, his loyalty and the fact they they know he needs the money, so he won't quit. For these reasons they appear to think they have him over a barrel.

However, my brother virtually runs the place at the weekends when there are no regular staff around. He is security (which, if you seen my brother is a cute concept – he's not exactly your big muscled black bouncer) as well as everything else. So, as I see it he has more power than he thinks and they seem to realise. Should he not turn up, the place would not open, quite literally. So after I ranted and raved in the kitchen for about 10 minutes about how wrong this was, I suggested that he say to the relevant people that “until the problem is rectified, I'm not showing up”. Sure, it has an element of risk, but dammit, it's the principle of the thing and there are other jobs. I mean, he worked those hours, gave up his weekends, served as he was expected to with the understanding of being paid and instead he is being taken advantage of.

I actually run the payroll for 30-50 temps a week as part of my job. It's not that complicated a task (although, I am reasonably intelligent, lol!). Aside from rarely ever making an error, if I do make one I make sure I rectify it as soon as I'm aware of it and ensure I apologise for any inconvenience it may have caused the person (without sounding like a Connex recording!). My boss actually gets embarrassed if we make a mistake with pay. This is because we are both very aware that some people are reliant on their pay being in their account for the amount, and at the time, expected in order to pay bills and feed their family. My boss feels so strongly about this that any error has to fixed with a cashed cheque and walked to the person's bank on that same day.

So, these people who are showing little regard for the wellbeing of my brother better pray pretty hard for their sins because what they are doing is wrong and unfair (no matter how small it may seem from the outside). Come their Judgement Day, I hope God has mercy on them and doesn't serve the kind of justice I would exact for being so uncaring and unjust.
Hmm, now would you mess with me?

*An aside to friends ...umm...please don't think I am the vengeance monster....I do believe in mercy too....however, if you face an injustice, I'm the kind of person you want to have around.
Also, I certainly don't believe I am perfect....so perhaps I should ask God for mercy on me and my soul... That is, if God is merciful (hmm, which I think God is)...ooo...I feel myself getting in over my head.... drowning.....*gulps* help....theological issue overwhelming me.... eek...Save me....Save me....Save... (that'll teach me to question God's nature won't it?)

Quote of the Day:
Mercy is better than justice (Vauvenargues)

Ebay/Paypal

2005-09-22T08:50:00.000+09:30

My friend in the US, Ms Whitney, has been trying to teach me the ways of ebay shopping (which could be quite dangerous for a bargain lover like myself). However, I have been trying to set myself up on Paypal in order to pay for my purchases on line. While Ms Whitney has been most helpful in trying to get me set up, things work quite differently outside the US.

Has anyone enrolled on the Paypay in Australia and did you have to use the Expanded Use Programme to be able to establish yourself on this system? I would love some advice from someone who's use it here in Australia to pay for ebay items.

Interested? I should say so.

2005-09-17T14:30:00.000+09:30

Recently, a couple of people close to me have asked what it is I'm interested in. They asked me because that can't see me pursuing many of them in my spare time. The funny thing is, there are so many things I want to do and see in this life, and so many things I enjoy, that it's almost overwhelming to the point that it's paralysing and I don't know where to start.
(In no particular order) I want to:

finish my masters
be able to identify as much music as I possibly can
learn how to dance tap, funk or hip-hop
speak another language, like Italian, and refresh my French
return to singing on a regular basis with a choir
walk by the beach more often with friends
cook beautiful food for my friends and family
make a difference in the world via my career
read as many classic books as possible
watch as many thought provoking and funny movies as I can find
be involved in stage productions
have my own house and decorate it as I have always imagined
be as fit and healthy as I can be
swim at the level I used to be able to (when mum used to call me a little fish)
learn as much about my friends as they'll let me
help other people achieve their potential
improve my piano playing to standard I am happy with
learn how to fix a car (or at least know how to identify minor problems)
marry and raise children (not necessarily my own)
know more about history and science
get back to doing crafts (like knitting, sewing and cross-stitch)
go camping somewhere beautiful in Australia like I did when I was at school
undertake a photography course
drive through all of the mainland states of the US
(and stop off in Chicago and say hello to Miss Oprah)
set foot in Africa
play card and board games more often
understand the share market better
hear great live music more frequently
continue to learn what I can about health and nutrition
keep working at the art of love and relationships

And that's just what comes to mind off the top of my head. Ahhh, so many things to do and see in this lifetime.

So what's stopping me, you ask? Well, aside from the distractions I mentioned in a recent blog (and the general problem of putting other people before myself), and not having a great deal of time, mainly it's the fear of failure. I am a competitive person in many regards and I don't like to fail. It's a ridiculous thing really, because most of the very successful people in this world fail many times.

The other problem is, I'd like to be great at all the things I've listed, and the reality is I'll probably only ever be very good at most of them (I can't stand mediocrity – excellence or nothing for me in this life, and at the moment I'm opting for nothing). I'm capable of achieving all of them. I have proved it to myself over and again that if I dedicate myself to a goal, I can achieve what I set out to do.

So, once I tell myself to relax a little, knowing that simply attempting is enough, and that putting in some time is better than putting in no time (a real problem for an all-or-nothing gal like me) then things might start to take off again.

Here's to the future my friends and all the possibilites it holds.

Curious...

2005-09-16T12:10:00.000+09:30

I think it's curious that we have ideas about who we'd like to end up with, and what actually happens in reality is often quite different. How is it we manange to fall for people who are quite outside our initial dreams and concepts? It's a idea that interests me and crosses my mind every now and again.

It was funny, when I found the following just now, which I wrote some years ago (as inspired by watching Adrien Brody in films and interviews and the names I have used are those of some of the boys I liked from primary school upwards!)...

Adrien personifies the combination of qualities that I have found attractive in my encounters with the other gender. He has the spunk, coolness and confidence that Rahmin and Ryan exuded. The cheekiness of Josh. He can be funky like Simon, who appeared to be the leader of the pack as far as music and fashion tastes were concerned. He is the handsome height of Richard. He displays the passionate intensity of James, with eyes that could swallow you whole in once glance. He has the good-nature, sensitivity and laid back style of Mark. The handsome Hungarian looks and confident sexuality that Sandor revelled in. He also embodies that indescribable Jewish something I found so irresistible in each of Alex, Ben and Brett. He holds the attraction of being the older man, that Blair held. He seems to have the intelligence, mystery, and self-mastery I saw in Ben. Then to top it off, he has the compelling artistic expression and humility of Corey.

Each person captured my attention in a different way and none of them had all the qualities I might think I'm looking for. So, maybe it's not the possession of certain characteristics (like appearance, talents, intelligence and so on) that is important per se, but some combination of factors that presents itself to overshadow our initial expectations of a partner.

Are you with someone you had never dreamed you would be with?

Tutu Heavy (Feb 04 Oprah)

2005-09-12T19:30:00.000+09:30

Bolshoi ballerina Anastasia Volochkova was fired last September, reportedly because she was too heavy (at 5' 6"and 109 pounds!). Those of us who don't leap around for a living had to ask: if her body mass index (the ratio of weight to height) of 17.6 is nearly a point below what the US Government considers underweight, how could she be anything but painfully svelte? With as many as 20% of ballerinas estimated to have eating disorders, we wondered how women in other lines of work stack up against your average Jane on the BMI scale.

Average BMIs
Fashion models: 17.7
Playboy Playmate of the Year: 18.6
Miss America pageant winners: 19.1
Elite runners: 19.5
American Women: 26.3

I was horrified by all of those figures (excuse the pun). The women in the careers listed are those that are publicised around the world as being of a desirable shape! What they really are is undernourished, walking skeletons. I would have thought it would be desirable to work towards being in the healthy BMI range (20-25) where curves still exist and bones are not the highlight of the body.

That said, it's likewise concerning that the average American woman is over the healthy weight range (no surprise given the publicity of the obesity epidemic). When will the Western world be able to get the balance right?

Otherwise Occupied

2005-09-12T13:15:00.000+09:30

Mr Lefty said to me recently that I haven’t blogged in a while (if you call a few days a while). Perhaps, Mr Lefty, that’s because I don’t wish to face the situation that you do, and that is that everyone knows your thoughts on a topic before they even speak to you. Mystery is the key to intrigue. I like mystery (it keeps the mind entertained), but it’s a tricky one, because you and I like to speak our minds.

Plus, I’ve been quite busy. Generally speaking, I’ve got a lot on my mind at the moment. I am meant to be in the middle of my thesis. I’m meant to be enjoying it because it’s meant to be an area of interest. Indeed, it allows me to be analytical (which is completely my forte) but I got suggested the topic as part of my supervisor’s work so it’s not 100% my cup of tea. Plus, while I can rattle off 15,000 words in a journal or on a topic of my choice without difficulty, it’s a little bit more like hard work when it involves being very well thought out. I think what worries me the most, is the little time I have to make my thesis as good as I’d like it to be.

My mind wanders a lot of late, making it hard to focus on my writing. It drifts to thoughts of the end of my degree (if I ever finish it) and wonders what kind of job I’ll be eligible to do. I start to second-guess myself for picking an industry that’s so hard to get in to (Event Management – which I’ll be over-qualified and under experienced in) when I was very good at my undergrad area of Business. I would have been earning heaps more in the job I started at with UBS Warburg as an Accountant, if only I was willing to sell myself out to the big corporate world and be a nobody (hehe, who’m I kidding?!). Alternatively, if I’d accepted my place in the ATO grad program which I passed up for the UBS Warburg job. The reality is, I can’t go on working part-time for the rest of my life. Besides I’m desperate for a new challenge. I’m good at what I do, but I want more out of life.

I have also been worrying about my beloved, who also has a lot on his plate at present. True to my usual self, I’m better at worrying about someone else, than I am about looking after myself. Perhaps I should become a "life coach" – you know those people who tell you to do as they say not as they do? I’d be perfect! I am trying to support him in every way possible. What with:
a hockey final (which unfortunately they lost – although in a way relieves me because he has less chance of leaving Oz with a new injury, even though of course I’m disappointed for him);
his dad in hospital (which of course makes him ill at ease, because, well, it’s tough when someone you love’s isn’t well in hospital); and,
his impending trip (which has me checking up on his preparation and everything he may need/encounter, for my own peace of mind more than his, I think!).
needing to wrap up his busy schedule at work meaning quite a bit of overtime (leaving less time to deal with everything else)
I find myself thinking about him and those things. Then there are just general thoughts of us, and what it’s going to be like to be separated and all that goes with that.

So, Mr Lefty, if I don’t write much now or in the coming weeks, that’s probably why – my mind is just elsewhere.

OK , I Can Die Happy

2005-09-09T09:28:00.000+09:30

Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson, Bon Jovi, John Farnham, Sting. Sure, I've seen some big acts, but for the 3rd time in 10 years (1994, 1998, 2005) I went and saw my beloved Boyz II Men. I'm telling y'all those guys can sing. Three guys with golden tonsils. I felt just as honoured and humbled to be in the presence of greatness as they were to see Festival Hall completely packed out. Given they have not toured the country in 7 years, that their newer albums are hard to find because they no longer release here in Australia, and their marketing for the tour was at an absolute minimum, that they could pack out Festival Hall shows their staying power.

My genetic material, which is white as far back as I know, must have mutated somewhere in my early teens because ever since then I've felt the sound of black voices speak to me far deeper than anything else. I was completely in my element, even though I usually feel uncomfortable in large crowds (I find them a little claustrophobic). The bass was pumped so loud that the floor moved and I could feel it pulse through my legs upwards to the pit of my stomach. I love that feeling. The guys bring out my love of dance. Movement isn't something which has to be thought about anymore, it's an extension of the music.

Man, there is nothing I love more than watching thousands of people sing together, grooving along, crying out as they realise they are hearing something which is nothing short of divine. The guys are naturally funky and move well, but carry no element of falseness or trying too hard – they're the real thing. Their humility only serves to make them that much more endearing. Their voices only seem to improve (and as my friend said to me, she couldn't believe how good they sounded in concert, almost better than their CDs – and I think anyone who attends concerts regularly would know this isn't often the case) but Wanya Morris seems to have stacked on a bit of weight – perhaps a sign of living the good life!

Random (the winners of X Factor) were the support act and they did a pretty good job. They danced well, and one of the members was part of the beat-box alliance. So they did one song with beat-boxing which just blows your mind to hear live. We also saw the person responsible for them being on X Factor, Mark Holden. In fact, he stood about a metre away from where my friend and I were as they performed. I considered going and having a chat – finding out if there was any room for me to judge on Aus Idol, hehe, but I thought the better of it.

There were a few downsides about the venue, like the queuing to get in and the people who chose to smoke in what was meant to be a non-smoking area. While waiting to get in, my friend and I looked at what some of the girls were wearing, like uber high heels, shaking our heads thinking of the pain they'd been in by the end of the night considering we were on our feet for over four hours (we went in flats because we are realistic enough to know that we were there to see the guys, not vice versa!).

Oh, and before I wrap up, the guys did something which was quite interesting. Just before one song they asked everyone to pull out their cell phones (there were already people, like myself, who were recording parts of the show on their mobiles– and I am very proud of my So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday/End of the Road recording) and turn them on and hold them up, waving them side to side. The they got the techies to dim the lights and what remained was a sea of glowing bluish lights, which was both novel and pretty. It appears the days of candles/lighters at concerts will soon be over!

My focus and outlook on life becomes that much sharper after experiencing one of the very things I was put here on earth to enjoy. I also am so grateful for the amazing things I have had the good fortune to experience in this lifetime.

Not so special....

2005-09-04T11:52:00.000+09:30

At my orthodontics appointment (a couple of appointments ago), the dental technician/nurse was chatting with me and asking a few questions about what I was up to. I happened to have something important coming up, and I mentioned it. They wished me good luck as I left, and that was that.

Within a few days, I received a little blue note in the mail, from the same ladies who had been working on my teeth, confirming their best wishes and hoping all had gone well. I felt quite special, and thought it was a very nice personal touch considering they see a great number of patients.

Then, I was at the orthondists again the other day, waiting to make my next appointment at the desk, and I noticed the door to the staff room was open. Being my usual curious self, I tried to see as much as possible of what they had in there without actually moving from my spot.

There, up on the staff room wall, was a big whiteboard, with a table of names and numbers on it. Rosemary, Kylie, Julia etc. ... 23, 12, 7 or some such. The table was entitled, "Tally of Blue Notes".

Could it be? Was I just another number on some dental nurse's tally? Did they only want to send me the note to bump up their score and get this month's award for best employee or a bonus or whatever sending blue notes leads to? Hmm, my feeling of "specialness" plummeted there and then. So much for genuinely caring...

It makes me wonder if people do anything nice anymore without wanting to get rewarded for doing so. It's a damn shame if that's the case, because the world would be a better place if people did things out of the goodness of the heart.

End of grumble.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Emotional security is just as important as financial security (P.K.Shaw)

Racism and the New Orleans Disaster.

2005-09-02T00:25:00.000+09:30

On the back of today's Age, there are two photographs related to the recent natural disaster in New Orleans. The Age picks up on this....

Picture One: A young black man, wading through chest-high water carrying what appears to be a loaf of bread and a full black garbage bag.
Accompanying caption: "A young man walks through chest deep flood water after looting a grocery store in New Orleans on Tuesday".

Picture Two: A white couple, again wading through chest-high water wearing a back pack each and carrying bread and soft drink (apparently - as the picture is small so hard to make out).
Accompanying caption: "Two residents wade through chest-deep water after finding bread and soda from a local grocery store in New Orleans, Louisiana".

I couldn't believe it. Where was the evidence that indeed the black man had looted those items he was carrying, and the proof that the white couple had indeed 'found' theirs?
I was disgusted and disappointed by this apparent assumption and the racist overtones that the newspaper originally publishing these captions has displayed.

In many ways, what difference does it make if such items were looted or 'found' anyway? I'm just glad these people have been able to find nourishment to keep themselves alive (provided there was no violence used to obtain them, mind you).

Hmm.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy (Leo Tolstoy)

BONUS QUOTE (from The Age):
Integrity needs no rules (Albert Camus)

2 1/2 Weeks

2005-09-01T17:35:00.000+09:30

In about two and a half weeks, my beloved is heading to the US and Canada for 6 weeks holiday. Yes, you read right...my beloved (singular). This means I shall be here, en Australie, sans boyfriend.

His impending departure has made me feel a few ways over the past few months. I mean sure:

I wonder why wouldn't he want to go with me as well? (and hope that even if he had been going out with someone else, he still would have gone by himself - thereby not making it a personal statement about me)
I've had to face friends who hear the news and look at me and say, "Oh?" pause... "by himself?" sounding surprised and then looking at me curiously and slightly concerned (given we've been going out some time now).
he knows that Canada and the US (and particularly New York) are places that I would dearly love to see/ see again.
I wish I could be there to see his reactions to new and interesting places. And share a snuggle while sailing past the magnificent Niagra Falls, or marvelling at the height of the Empire State Building together (and trying to recall all the films we've seen it in) or seeing the sunrise over the Grand Canyon, to name but a few.
I've never spent more than four days apart from any boyfriend, let alone six weeks, so am not sure what that will feel like.

However, despite such things, I have recently chosen to relish the opportunities that such a separation will present me/him/us. I think I know what they will be for me, and will be curious to see what they might be for him.

Nevertheless, please don't let me give you the impression that I do not want my beloved to have a good time. That would be very mean-spirited and overly jealous. No, I hope he has a great time and above all takes care of himself and does nothing which will give me cause to worry. Yep, I think that's all I could hope for.

Digestive Woes

2005-09-01T17:00:00.000+09:30

I asked to leave early from work this afternoon thanks to a nice bout of something or other that has affected my digestive system (in the 1 1/2 years I've worked there I've never left early due to illness - so it's not something I do regularly). Anyway, I'd like to be able to narrow it down to an acute illness, but since my digestive system has not been my friend since creche, it's hard to know if it isn't just my old chronic problem playing up.

You know, there is nothing more distracting or frustrating than having a chronic digestive condition. It disrupts my plans, it makes me feel miserable at times, it dictates what I eat and makes me fussier than I have any desire to be (which is terrible for someone who loves food like I do), it wrecks my metabolism (because I fast when I'm feeling sick and then eat... fast, eat....), and prevents proper nutrient absorption. However, I will credit it for making me the guide to the closest available toilets everywhere I go (so, on the way home I could envisage where to head at Spencer St, Flagstaff, Museum, Parliament, Richmond, South Yarra, Malvern, Caulfield and Glen Huntly if necessary). By the way, this guide does not relate solely to Melbourne, or even Australia. I'll point you to the nearest toilets in London should you need them (and probably know their opening hours!).

I didn't have my condition checked out until a few years ago, when I was about 21. I found myself at the doctor's surgery talking about it, and broke down in tears in front of her (making me feel completely stupid because it wasn't like I had a terminal illness I was going to die from or anything). Anyway, after I described my symptoms and how they affected my life, and after I had stopped having to be passed tissues for my tears, she looked at me sympathetically and said, it's not unusual for people with digestive disorders to react the way I was. She just couldn't believe I hadn't done anything about it for so long. That was the beginning of the road to feeling a bit better about it. I wasn't alone, and it wasn't a secret which had to be kept purely to myself.

Anyway, I've only ever told a couple of my friends my problem because it's not something I particularly like to talk about. It's not pleasant, and it's not something you mention in polite conversation. Nevertheless, perhaps it'll be therapeutic to make it public after all these years.

It'd be great if there were a cure, but there isn't. Just managing it is all I can do, and I still have a long way to go. If only I could find a control Min to run a few experiments on to see what works. Unfortunately, I have had little success in my own experiments on myself in pinpointing triggers because there are so many potential variables and combinations of variables. So, in the meantime, I guess I'll just keep on keeping on until maybe some mad professor finds what causes it, and how to prevent/cure it.

What's Going On Here?

2005-09-01T15:39:00.000+09:30

It's not your eyes, I just felt like a change of scene. And this is blue. I like blue. Is that good enough?

"The One" or "Not the One"?

2005-08-29T18:30:00.000+09:30

A FOX radio question that made me squirm...

The caller said that she knew the guy she was with wasn't "the one". However, she was asking whether people thought it was OK to keep going out with him because she's happy in the relationship but she just wouldn't marry the guy. She argues why should she be single when she can be with him for the moment and not be lonely since they enjoy each other's company? The argument posed against by a caller responding was that if she already knew that he wasn't the one, and respected the guy, then she would let him find someone else who might be "the one" (and vice versa for herself).

I think it's pretty terrible to stay with someone who you know isn't "the one" both for your own sake and for that of the one you are with. On the other hand, why would you break up something that makes you feel good?

I realised listening to the call, that I have pretty strong feelings one way, but I want to know what you people think...

So?